You Know How You Go Into A Public Restroom and the Integrity of Every Stall Has Been Comprised So You Have to Pick the Least Disgusting One? That Is How I Feel About Dating.

(the title was taken from a hallmark card - not my original thought but I love it!!) 

Well my intention of blogging more has clearly failed.  The problem is that I have about 3 unfinished blog postings that I keep going back to that I just can’t seem to finish.  Not sure if it is writers block or what, so we need to celebrate that I got this one done – yay!!  

A friend and I have always talked about speed dating in Calgary and since I did it while I lived in DC, I figured why the hell not.  It isn’t that scary and can provide a night of entertainment if nothing else.  However, our schedules never seem to align and one night I just decided to sign up for two different speed dating events in Calgary.  Why two you ask?  Many reasons – 1) broaden the net of potential fish; 2) see the difference between the companies (make it an experiment so to speak); and 3) just the two really.  I didn’t expect anything to come out of either night so I was going in to both events with the view that it was a night out talking to many different people.  So come along with me on the journey of the two speed dating events.  Names have not been included to protect identities on the rare chance someone may read this and it is one of the guys, but I am using my own nicknames that could be very specific.  So guy, if you are reading this and I have named you, first off – you are potentially an asshole if you didn’t match with me and I said I wanted to get to know you better or I apologize if you said you wanted to get to know me better and I did not reciprocate. 

So come along with me on the first night!!  

I get to the coffee shop, thinking it will be nice and cozy and comforting.  Not so much.  It was small and bright, not really comfy cozy.  I pick the very last table for two reasons: 1) to have some space on at least one side of me and 2) I figured it was going to get loud in there and wanted to try to mitigate that as much as I could.  So sat down and just waited.  And then it felt like we were getting picked for a dodgeball game.  The women sat down along the wall and the guys picked a seat and sat down with that girl to start off the event.  So yeah, it felt a lot like getting picked last for the dodgeball game.  I don’t

know if I was picked last but it was still not a good feeling.  The event started off with an “ice breaker” wherein we were supposed to mingle and ask a couple of questions to the opposite sex to see if we were a match on the forms.  Well with the space so small, it was hard to mingle.  And to hear people.  I think I only talked to two people and then gave up as it was crowded and people weren’t really moving (I think they all thought the same thing).  After the ice breaker, we sat down again and the speed dating started. 

I swear at this event, all the guys had emailed each other or something and had this type of conversation:

“Hey, guys,  what’s a good hobby we should all say that will make the women like us?”

“Yo, bro, what about playing sports?”

“nah – women don’t like sports.  They like shopping and getting their nails done.  Sports won’t interest them.  It has to be manly and a turn on.”.  

“what about hitting the gym? What woman doesn’t want a guy who goes to the gym. Goes with the paleo diet which I am sure we are all on at the moment, we are big, strong.  *insert manly grunt Instant turn on.”

Why do I think this? Because. Every. Single. Guy.  (no word of a lie).  Every guy said in their spare time, they went to the gym.  Seriously.  My head hurts when it tries to figure out the rationale for the need for people to have to vocalize their gym expeditions.  Sure, being fit and healthy is all fine and dandy, but it just seems like this mentality of going to the gym is such a big deal.  I was honestly trying to not laugh every time I heard that hobby.  I also wanted to be like “know your audience.  Do I look like a woman you would find willingly in a gym? Hell no.  So does that impress me? Not so much.”  I would have been way more impressed or interested if they said they played volleyball or hockey or something.  Maybe that is a reason why I am still single.  One of the very many reasons.  I haven’t jumped on this “to live is to go to the gym” bandwagon.  And I don’t think I ever will.  

So notwithstanding the whole shouting at each other sitting a foot across each other because it was so frigging loud in there, there were some decent conversations.  Here are some of the memorable moments from that first event.  

I have realized that sarcasm can get lost in a 5 minute conversation.  With one of the guys, who was a financier for a rich, hoity toity family, we were talking about his

transferring money to an offshore account.  So I asked if he was squirreling money away at the Cayman Islands or British Virgin Islands for a rainy day, wink wink, and it went right over his head as he went into the tax liabilities in each country.  And then my eyes glazed over.  I tried to backtrack out of asking about his work and tried to move into his hobbies.  That is when he mentioned going to the gym as a hobby and I almost vomited as by this time, I heard that hobby about 5 times.  I wanted to ask if all the guys went to the same gym and wore hats but again, the sarcasm probably would have escaped him and he would have went into the logistics of wearing a hat while working out.   

Then there was the guy who said that he worked in IT on gambling and porn websites.  So I was like “wow, you cornered the market on enabling the non-drug-or-alcohol addictions”.  And he looked at me.  And I looked at him.  And then he said “yeah, my sisters told me I should come to events like this as they know people who met people this way”.  And the whole time, he was shifty eyed to all the other tables, sat sideways, almost ready to bolt at any moment and had beady eyes.  I will admit, I kind of got a “you may kill people and take their eyeballs” kind of vibe.  

Another guy, I have no clue why he was there.  Either he assessed all of us from the get-go and deemed us all as unworthy of a legit conversation or he was just there for shits and

giggles and didn’t want to have any meaningful conversations.  He would get up in the middle of the 5-minute conversation to get some water (while most people tried to jam in as many words as they could in those 5 minutes to make an impression or something – I guess he wanted to make an impression in a different way).  He gets to my table and our conversation is super superficial – it is all about speed dating.  Nothing personal.  So clearly, he didn’t want to get to know me as a person.  And he got up and got a drink of water during our conversation, so I was like “good talk.  Excellent conversation skills. You definitely know how to carry a conversation and how to engage a female”.  The chick who was sitting beside me was trying to not laugh as she heard me.  He came back to the table during my soliloquy, so I am pretty sure he completely wrote me off after that.  Big loss.

  

End result of the first event – interesting characters, not any really that I could actually see myself in a legit relationship with.  I did put down that I would be interested in coffee with a couple of them and I matched with one of them. Yay!  But more on that later…… (enter suspenseful music).

   

Soooo……… lets go to the second event!

I get to the restaurant, happy that we are off to the side with a slight barrier as I had pictured us sitting among the patrons and being their entertainment for the evening.  They had a better set up than the first event in that both the guys and the girls had assigned tables so it wasn’t like getting picked last for the dodgeball team.  And I will admit that I nerded out a little at this event as I was reading such a fascinating book and brought it with me so when I sat at my table, instead of mingling and making small talk, I was the loner with the nose in a book with probably some pretty interesting facial expressions on the face.  But, if the guy had a positive outlook, it would have shown that I was an intellect and liked the finer things in life, like books and literature.  At least that is how I was justifying it at the moment.  

There was no icebreaker game at this event, thank goodness, so the dating started right away.  And, like last time, I swear all the guys had emailed each other or something and had this type of conversation:

“Hey, guys,  what’s a good hobby we should all say that will make the women like us?”

“Yo, bro, what about going to the gym? I heard that work”

“nah – I used that at the last event and I didn’t match up with enough of the hotties.  They are looking for something they can (in a higher voice) ‘do together’ Urgh.  I just want to hit the gym”.  

“what about golfin’? Women can wear the tight clothes, it is outside, we can show our biceps.  Seems like a good situation for everyone”

Why do I think this? Because. Every. Single. Guy.  (no word of a lie).  Every guy said in their spare time, they golf.  Seriously.  At one point, with one of the guys, I asked if all the guys had the same membership and they all golfed together with matching outfits and he just looked at me weird.  Clearly he didn’t get the inside joke and also, maybe they didn’t have a phone call prior to make that the commonality.  And again, the sarcasm went away above the head.  

At this venue, it was way easier to hear each other, which was nice.  I could actually hear the conversations and they were, like last time, pretty decent.  Here are some of the memorable moments from that second event.  

Ohh, before we get into the guys though, a little psych experiment was conducted – we were sitting at high top table and the guys chair at my table wasn’t across from me but was beside me.  I didn’t move it as I wanted to see if the guys would sit beside me or if they would move it to across the table for comfort.  Let the mind games begin!

First guy – nothing too memorable or exciting about our conversation but he did not move the chair and sat beside me during the conversation.  

Second guy – our conversation was full of laughter.  His first question was asking the age of the girls (I was his second) so we talked about that and then tattoos and that is when he learned that I had no anatomy knowledge as I thought the tattoo of bamboo on his forearm was of his forearm bones.  Which would have been a lot cooler.  But nope.  They were bamboo stalks.  We did not match.  But he did not move the chair.  

Third guy – WAS THE GUY I MATCHED AT THE FIRST EVENT.  And we never did connect after that first event.  And he moved to the chair to sit across from me.  So did he do that because he was ashamed that we never connected from the first event? Or did he do that because he didn’t want to sit beside me?  I say the second option because after he left my table, I kept glancing over at the tables he was at and he did sit beside the girls at some table.  I tell you people – non verbal behavior tells SO MUCH!!!  Anywho, the elephant in the room about matching at the first event was never talked about and we talked about mundane things at this event.  Needless to say, I did not put down that I would see him again after this event.  

So the guy from the first event who kept getting the water during each limited meeting was also at this event.  And he did not remember me!!! I mean seriously.  How many women does he meet that warrants him not remembering me.  And I have to say, most people say I am pretty memorable (I take it as a compliment).  The whole conversation I just kept looking at him, trying to subconsciously tell him that we met at the previous event, especially as he started this conversation the exact same as he did at the first event.  I mean seriously.  I wanted to laugh but I just ran with it and had some fun with him.  I know, not nice, but come on, he didn’t remember me. 

There was this guy that, my goodness, I could see the hamster wheel just spinning in his brain.  It was so strange.  We would be talking and all of a sudden it would be like his brain said “oh, you haven’t smiled in 1 minute so smile” and just out of the blue, he

would smile.  And then the smile would vanish and he would just start nodding.  And then you could see the wheel turning again.  It was like his brain was constantly saying “smile.  Now nod.  Now look interested.  Don’t stare but don’t look away.  Maintain eye contact.  Don’t be creepy.  You are being creepy.  Smile.  Nod.  Now don’t do anything.  Good.  And Repeat”.   I found it was hard to have a conversation with him as I was too fascinated in trying to figure out his mannerisms.  And then my brain went to “what is he like in bed if this is what he is like during a conversation”.  Not a pretty picture. 

Lastly, again, sarcasm escapes the many.

  One of the guys, when he sat down at my table, on his sheet he had drawn those funky “s”’s/lattice doodles that I used to do all the time in high school and college.  So I commented on it when I saw it, telling him that I used to draw those all the time when I was bored in school.  And then laughed, saying that I hope he hasn’t been bored since getting there.  And he tells me that he can draw and listen and I say “whoa – you mean I am talking to a guy who can multi-task?” and he just looks at me and then proceeds to tell me about some guy who did something with numbers while multitasking and my eyes glazed over and the voice inside of my head said “didn’t you learn from the first event to not use sarcasm” and that is when I realized he was staring at me, waiting for me to say something so I responded with “that is super interesting”.  Not surprising, we did not match.  

Over all, it was a fun night. I did not match with any of the guys but I didn’t expect to really.  I met some really interesting folks but I don’t think I was their cup of tea, and honestly, my intelligence and book-loving demeanour was just too much for them to handle.  At least that is what I am telling myself.  Both events were fun and I am glad that I told myself to get out of the house and do them.  You never know who you will meet and I had much laughter those two nights.  If you have never tried speed dating, I say try it just for the experience.  

Moral of this blog:  F*#k it and don’t put expectations on yourself when you are putting yourself out there.  Have fun, be yourself and don’t forget to laugh.  

We Live In A Society Where You Have To Fake It Till You Make It

This posting is going to be going off in all different directions but will have a common theme - fake it till you make you.  Because that is what we have to do to survive in this world.  

I went back to DC for a conference for work, which was amazing.  Cause a) it was in DC and b) because I got to learn more about what I am actually supposed to be doing.  But this blog isn't about that.  It got prompted when I was flying back.  For some reason, and I am not complaining, I got seated in the "plus" seats (which is like the first class section).  I never get those seats as usually you have to pay more for them.  Which I didn't.  I thought at first it was a mix-up and when I got my actual boarding pass, it would have a different seat, but it didn't.  So when I boarded the plane, and I got to do that first as I was classified as an important person, I sat down. And waited.  I waited for one of the flight attendants to come up to me and say 'ma'am, there was an error in the system and you don't belong in this seat'.  But they didn't.  And so the whole flight, I was trying to make it look like I belonged there.  Like I wasn't shocked/happy/elated that I got to eat actual food on the flight. Or I could order beer without having to pay for it.  Or get snacks.  Whatever.  I didn't abuse the situation (I got my food, ordered a beer but didn't get anything else) and maybe that could have tipped them off that I didn't belong there.  I don't know.  But I made it the whole flight without someone telling me I didn't belong.  I faked it till I made it there.  

Most jobs, from the start, you have to fake it.  You have to pretend like you know exactly what you are doing and learn as you go.  In the jail, that is what happened.  Our first day, we got PREA training and hostage training and then the second day, our supervisor gave us our caseload and told us to go do therapy.  The first client I saw, the first session, I was nervous as fuck.  But I couldn't show that, especially in a jail.  I walked in like I knew exactly what I was doing, like I was exactly where I was supposed to be and it all worked out.  Every time I went and saw a client, most times than not, I was shooting from the hip.  And nobody died.  That is my usual threshold.  If nobody died, then you did a fantastic job.  Eventually I didn't have to fake it anymore.  When I walked into a housing unit, I knew exactly what I should do or how to act.  When I was meeting with a client, I knew how to interact or what to say to help out.  But it took some weeks, perhaps even some months, to get to that point.  And a lot of anxiety in fear that my cover would be blown.  

Working in Nebraska, whew, a lot of faking it there.  My first day I went and talked with a new admission and had no clue what I was supposed to say or do or how to act.  What if I said something that would cause this person to flip out?  Or ask the wrong question?  Or portray my employer in a bad light?  And the first time I held the supervisor phone.  Or was administrator on call.  Or did therapy.  Whatever.  It was a lot of shooting from the hip.  And eventually, I told myself to fuck it, and do or say whatever I think will work at the time.  At the end of my day/shift, if nobody died or supervision wasn't lapsed, then it was a successful day.  And that soon became my mantra - if nobody dies, you did a good job.  Kind of pathetic when that is the measuring point, right?! 

At my current job, I still feel like I have to fake it.  I have never done intellectual property so I am learning everything as I go.  Some people look at me like I should know everything and again, I shoot from the hip, or tell them that I will figure it out and then go hunting for procedures and process on how to do things.  And when I actually get something right, or know something that I shouldn't really know, I am excited/elated/astonished at myself, but nobody else is because they already think that I know that.  It kind of takes the funness out of proving to yourself that you are smarter than you think when people already think you are smarter than you are.   

Volleyball does this as well.  Normally, when you start a new team, or play the first game to see if you are a fit, your game has to be spot on for them to like you and want to keep you.  And being a setter, that is a lot of pressure on a person.  Faking it at volleyball is quite difficult - either you can set or you can't.  You can hit or you suck.  Whatever.  But you gotta fake the confidence that you can play with that team and play at that level.  Some nights, I will tell myself that I will have the best setting night and when I have a bad set, or some bad plays, it takes every ounce of my being to not let it get to me because then I will have no confidence.  

No matter what though, confidence makes it seem like you know exactly what you are doing.  Even when your insides are all jumbled and topsy-turvy and you feel like you are going to puke, as long as you show confidence and that you know what you are doing, people will believe you.  Nobody wants to know what is happening on the inside - it is all about how you are portraying things.  Pathetic, isn't it? 

Meeting people can also require faking it.  In more ways than one.  There is a saying 'you can hide the crazy'.  Fake the sanity (if you are in that boat).  I am a hermit.  I am shy.  I am crazy introverted.  I have a people limit for the week.  And when I am talking with someone, I need to fake it, fake being a sociable human.  In the past, when trying to meet a guy, and they ask me what I do for hobbies, when all my hobbies are single-person geared, it may raise some flags.  One guy actually said "why don't you have more friends?" That is a very difficult question to answer as my truthful answer would be "people make me tired and grumpy.  For the most part, I dislike people".  Not the best answer when trying to find a relationship.  Most people don't want to be with a person who doesn't like people.  

Also, when a person, such as myself, has mental issues, you need to fake that as well.  Which can then in turn cause more problems later on.  The more you have to fake being happy, the more you have to fake being around people, the more it takes a toll on a person.  It becomes mentally exhausting.  But that is the world we live in.  If we are around people, you need to have a smile on your face because that is what people expect.  God forbid you look unhappy - that can't happen.  Fake happiness no matter what is happening.  Whether you are in a relationship, or with family or friends or at work.  You must portray happiness at all times.  But people don't understand the ramifications that can have on a person.  But this will come up in a different posting (stay tuned).  

But there is a point in time where you have to draw the line.  When faking it becomes so disgusting you just can't do it anymore.  And you know what - it is a liberating feeling.  However, you have to have people who understand the person behind the fakeness.  And I am lucky that I do.  I have friends who understand when I am peopled out.  I have family members who understand that being in a big group for a long time mentally and physically exhausts me.  I don't feel the need to fake as many things anymore.  But it look a long time getting here.  It took many, many times telling myself to fuck it and not care what people think of me. Because guess what - they may not be in my life forever.  So why bother impressing people who are transient in the grand scheme of things?  If you show your authentic you to the people that matter, then you are living a wonderful life.  I now tell people when I don't know something.  I don't feel the need to dress up in clothes that aren't me.  I will go into meetings and look confused or ask questions instead of sitting there, acting like I know *exactly* what is going on.  The older I get, the more authentic of a life I want to lead.  And it feels wonderful.  

Moral of this blog:  f*#k it and stop being fake.  Be you.  Be unprofessional.  Be stupid.  Be crazy.  Be sad.  Have a bad day.  Let the world see you for you.  Be everything except not you.  

Spend Your Life Doing What You Love

We are at work moreso than any other aspect of our life.  Actually that is a lie.  I know #mathishard but if you account for not sleeping or anything, we aren't at work more than anything.  If there is 24 hours in a day (well not if because there is), that is 168 hours a week.  And I am at work for 40 of those hours.  Some weeks way more than that.  Which equals to 23% of my life per week at work.  But then take into account sleeping.  If you get 8 hours of sleep (who does that by the way??!!) you are now down to 112 hours a week you are awake.  So now you are at work 35% of the time. Seems like kind of a small number but if you hate what you do, that 35% feels like 135% of your time.  And then you will hate life.  And hating life is not a good way to life.  Trust me.  I have been there.  I hated it.  I hated life and I hated the fact that I hated life.  And when that hate got to the point of it actually becoming maladaptive to my life, I made a change.  Easy to type, not easy to do.  But I decided that if I was going to have to work for the rest of my life, it was going to be something that would actually make me want to get out of bed and do.

I completely turned my life 180, went back to school, got my masters and found something that I was passionate about.  But more on that below.  

I am not your typical office worker.  I listen to music.  Music with swear words.  I swear.  Quite often.  I have stuffed animals at my desk.  I lose any and all professionalism I have after 3pm.  I have questionably inappropriate conversations with people via email and telephone conversations.  I don't wait for someone to tell me what to do (people not doing what they need to do without people telling them to do it is quite common), even if I have no clue what I am doing (me not knowing what I am doing is also quite common).  However, I used to not be like this.  I used to be your prim and proper office worker.  And I hated it.  And it hated me and ate away at my personality and happiness.  So I decided to say fuck it and be me at the workplace.  And if I am not as professional as they want me to be, then that isn't a place for me.  

One of my interviews at a law firm, they asked me if I could describe myself using 3 adjectives.  I used the comfortable, nothing wrong with them answers of responsible, punctual and kooky.  One lawyer I used to work for, when asked to describe me, said 'fearless'.  And that has stuck ever since.  But again, not the word I would have used prior to this knowledge.  But it has been a part of me ever since.  However, I have learned that even though I feel like I have a fearless disposition, it doesn't come across as much as I would like it to/it should.  When I worked at the jail, my supervisor told me that after my interview, she was worried about hiring me as she didn't think I was cut out for working in the jail.  And I pleasantly surprised her in showing her that I could hack it.  But that showed me that I need to show my skills, personality and fearlessness right off the bat and go in guns a blazing.  No holds bar.  Make people aware of my mad skills right from the get go.  And that is what I did when I worked in Nebraska and I think it helped me make all the wonderful friendships and relationships that I did while I was there.  

I have learned that there are many places that aren't right for me.  Before I had kind of a life epiphany, work and I had a tumultuous relationship.  Tumultuous in the way that if I had a bad day,  my mind instantly went to the thought of quitting.  That was my go-to.  Especially in law firms.  But those are a different breed in and of itself.  I would rarely make my three months as I couldn't last that long.  Which means I have had many jobs in my life.  Many many.  Let me list them for you:

• KFC worker
• Caretaker at a college
• Hallmark associate 
• Dennys waitress 
• Bartender
• Legal assistant (9 law firms and 1 temp agency)
• Worker in a golf pro shop 
• Receptionist at a school 
• Jack of all trades (plumbing/heating)
• Therapist in a jail 
• Therapist in a community based setting 

But as I grew up, I realized that as an adult, I would have bad days.  I would have those days where I really hated my job and had no energy to do the work.  But guess what - that is life.  You learn by overcoming those days.  You learn what helps you cope those days.  Me, I put on an upbeat song.  I take a walk and get coffee. I go talk with the gals in accounting or corporate and just get away from my desk and reset myself.  And tell myself that tomorrow is a new day.  I know I am not doing what I want to be doing but I am making the best out of what I am in at the moment, knowing that eventually I will be doing what I want to be doing and knowing that goal is in the future, makes the day easier to handle.  

By far, bartender and therapist have been my favorite.  Which makes sense as people say that bartenders are therapists.  And I completely agree.  But I would go back to jail in a heartbeat.  To be a therapist.  No other reason.  I loved it.  I found my niche, I found where my heart is passionate about.  I found what I was good at.  I have so many amazing memories from working in the jail.  Here is one of my favorite.  

It was during one of my anger management groups.  We were talking about how to prepare oneself if they are going to go into a situation where anger may be a result.  So for an example, I told them that when I need to go into meetings or discussions where I feel that I may become frustrated or angry, I bring in a cup of tea with me as that is a calming thing for me.  So then I asked them to think of something they could do to avoid anger getting the best of them.  There was a long pause and one guy said 'yo Miss Ashley, I got one.  Instead of bringing the gun into the club, I could just leave it in my car'.   In my head, I laughed.   I talked about tea, they talked about guns.  Lesson there for me - know your audience.  But I was very happy and proud that he was able to make that connection.  And he was proud.  And it was a glorious day for me.  

I wish someone was able to see me interact with the individuals at the jail.  To see me do something that I feel so passionate about.  I think when you see that in person, it resonates so much more deeply inside of you.  I was lucky enough to see my sister do the work she does, which was very helpful because when she first got into the industry she is in, I was so confused on what she actually did.  But then I got to see her in action and it was unlike anything I see on a daily basis.  She loves what she does.  And she didn't even like that aspect of her job that she was doing that day.  But when I was watching her, I could tell that this was a passion.  And then watching people take pictures of her work and go up to her and thank her for her contributions and talk to her about her job and roles, I was in awe.  Because she is doing what she loves.  She is doing what she has a passion for.  And it took her some time to get there.  Which I completely understand.  What most people don't understand, people who haven't ever made a 180 change in their life, is that you can't just quit one job for another.  It isn't that simple.  It takes time, planning, perseverance, and patient.  And you will find resistance from people.  But that is where the perseverance comes in.  I could have stayed a legal assistant the rest of my life.  I could have been unhappy the rest of my life.  I could have made my stable paycheque, kept my stable job.  But I would have been unhappy.  And that is the key here.  Happiness means more to me than having a "stable" job.  And I think my sister felt the same way when she did her change.  It wasn't about the notoriety of being in the position that we were in.  It wasn't about the paycheque we knew was coming in.  What we were doing was not making us happy so we decided to do something about it.  Again, very hard to do but it is possible.  

I am happy for all the experiences I have had in my working life.  I have learned so much about myself and what I am capable of.  And for that I am grateful for trying new things, seeing what I am capable of and letting myself flourish in atmospheres that foster that.  One day I will get back to being a therapist.  I know it.  I will make it happen. 

Moral of this blog:  F*#k it and do the thing that makes you happy.  Even if it means flipping your life 180 and doing something you never thought you could do.  Find your happiness. Be happy with what you do.