The Ever Constant Experience with Post-Concussion Symptoms

I am not sure if it is because I am more aware of it, or that the medical and sports fields are starting to realize the effects, but lately in the news, there has been a lot of talk about concussions and dealing with the same.  Which is good.  Why you ask? Because they suck, and I can tell you from experience.  If I had a flux capacitor, I would go back in time and either dodge to the side prior to the spike or not sub at all that night I got my concussion. 

This is basically exactly what happened to me.  Just add some glasses that went flying off (I still maintain that if I wasn't wearing my glasses, the damage would have been greater as once the ball hit my glasses, it change trajectory) and some blood pouring down onto the floor from both nostrils.  Oh yeah, it was quite amazing of a pass from the face.  And out of all my years of playing, going on like 19 years of playing at the time it happened, that was around the 2nd time I have taken a ball to the face.  I am pretty sure the first time I got hit in the face I had a concussion a well, but it was back in the day and people didn't really think getting hit in the face/head was a big deal. 

The Event/Immediate Effects

So I got hit in the face.  Hard.  On a Thursday night (which will make sense later on). If you know volleyball terms, we were playing a way more talented team that the team I was playing with.  The middle blocker wasn't that smart at reading the plays.  The team I was subbing with played 6 up.  And the play was a shoot set to the power and bam, when it is a free for all and I am basically sitting up at attack line, I didn't even see it happen.  A comedy of errors. And yes, I blame myself because I should have seen it happen since if I was the setter, I would have done the same thing.  I just honestly had no time to react to the play as it happened so fast.  After taking the ball to the face, cleaned up the blood, took some tylenol and went back to playing. I had a headache but that was to be expected, but no other problems or symptoms so I didn't think twice about going to get checked out that night or being more cognizant of what could happen. 

I got home, had a shower, popped a couple more Tylenol and went to bed.  Woke up and felt okay, minus the headache, but again, no other symptoms.  So I went to work, did my normal duties, got home, fell asleep fairly early and went on with my life.  Again, no other problems except for the headache.  However, Sunday night I go and watch a friend play in a Battle of the Bands event.  It is loud.  It is stuffy.  And halfway through the night, I start feeling like crap.  And when I say crap, I mean like, the drunkest I have ever been, and I didn't have a single drink.  I felt like it was hard to walk, like I couldn't walk in a straight line, my head was pounding, I felt like I was going to vomit.  It was bad.  And it hit me instantly.  Driving home (probably not the smartest idea), I thought it was because I was lightheaded from not eating very much between Saturday and Sunday so I stopped at a McDonalds to see if getting some grease and food in my system would help.  And nope, it didn't.  I didn't even finish what I bought as I was feeling that crappy. 

I wake up and head to work the next day, Monday, and again, feel like crap.  Still dizzy.  Still nauseous.  Still have a massive headache.  Throw up occasionally throughout the day.  And can't form thoughts really; I am pretty sure I wasn't making any sense at work and people were giving me the side eye like I was having a stroke throughout the day.  So I decide that after that night, if I wake up Tuesday and I still feel like crap, I will head to the hospital to get checked out.  Go home, go to bed, and wake up and yep, still feel like crap. Thankfully the dizziness was at a minimum so I could drive to the hospital but everything else hurt.  Any noise, lights, smells.  Nothing was sitting well with me.  Get to the hospital and thankfully didn't have to wait for too long to get back in and see the doctor.  Tell the nurse why I am there and then chill on a bed, waiting for the doctor.  He comes in and does a neurological exam (checks my vision, hearing, balance and strength, coordination and reflexes) and then asks me what happened.  So I tell him and when he asks me if I lost consciousness, I told him no.  Now, for all of you reading this - always say you lost consciousness, even if you didn't.  Why you ask? Well because I have a feeling I would have been taken way more seriously if I said I had lost consciousness.  Instead, as soon as I told him I didn't, I felt like in his brain, the severity of what  happened to me and what I could experience was lessened drastically.  So he tells me that he doesn't think I need a CT scan but that I did have a moderate concussion and should go on brain rest for the rest of the week.  He gives me some anti-nausea medication, and a doctors note and sends me on my way home. And commence the week of brain rest.  Which is brutal. You basically have to lay in the dark with no noise or no stimulation to the brain.  Thankfully this go at the brain rest, I just slept.  Or listened to score music but I could not sit there with no noise and in the darkness.  Talk about exacerbating the depression symptoms and driving yourself bonkers.    

The Right-After-The-Event Effects

Once I got back to work from the week of brain rest, I was a mess.  My moods were all over the place, my sanity was all over the place and my physical health was all over the place.  

I had headaches on a daily, basically hourly, basis.  I had to get all the lights dimmed around my desk as they would hurt my head.  The slightest of noises just irritated the hell of out me and staring at a computer screen all day long caused feelings of nausea and dizziness.  I felt constantly tired and foggy in the brain and felt like it took me so long to understand what people were telling me or I had to take some time to remember what a task was or something like that.  

And then mentally, I felt like crap.  They say that post concussion symptoms and depression symptoms feed off of each other and I can attest to that.  For the first couple of months, every day when I went home from work I cried.  I had to stop myself from crying at work some days in fact - I just felt so tired and exhausted at trying to work while struggling.  And I constantly felt like no one cared about what was happening and that what I was experiencing was nothing because I didn't have blatant, physical indicators of the pain I was feeling and that caused more internal anger and frustration which would then cause a bigger headache to happen.  I think it is because people can understand you if you say you  have allergies, or if you are going through a depressive or anxious moment - those are known and common feelings that most people can understand.  Trying to tell someone that my brain was exploding from the inside and I felt like death every waking moment and couldn't get rid of the feelings no matter what I did, it was pointless.  I was irritated at everything - my work, when people talked to me, my feelings.  I was a walking pile of irritation that would never leave.  And basically, anything I felt or did caused a headache.  And there were some days I would get home and crawl into bed and just go to sleep because I couldn't do anything else.  Some days I did not want to wake up and live with the mental and physical pain anymore.  Or the hopelessness that I would ever have a pain-free day.  There were some days I wanted to jam my letter opened into my brain to see if that would stop the pain.  There were some days that I could cry all day long because everything felt dark and hopeless.  I didn't experience one pain-free day those first couple of months after I got the concussion.  It sucked.  

I was playing 4 nights of volleyball when it happened, so then I dropped down to 2 nights once I could get my headaches until control.  Going out was basically a no-go as a) I couldn't function basically after 6pm and b) any sort of loud noise would trigger a headache.  Thankfully my friends were pretty understanding of the limitations I had but it still did not help the overall picture of my quality of life.   

Dealing with the Medical System Effects

Dealing with our health care system with this concussion has had its trials and tribulations. Again, I feel that since a) I didn't lose consciousness and b) I didn't get a concussion from football or hockey or boxing, the doctors don't feel like it is a serious problem.  I also felt like they were looking at me like I was trying to score some of the good pain medications for my headaches.  I felt judged every time I went to see a doctor about my symptoms.  

It was a couple months after the first "brain break" I took, I went back to the doctor as I was still not able to function completely.  I told them that I was irritable all the time, that I was still getting headaches most days, and that my quality of life decreased as a result.  I also remember telling them that I would get this pain behind my right eye that felt like my eye was going to explode.  Or that the headaches were making me want to jam a letter opened in my brain to relieve the pressure/pain.  I also told them that I had changed so much in my life to try and decrease the symptoms - I reduced my gluten intake, I got rid of all synthetic smells in my place, I drank a lot of water throughout the day, I took my brain breaks at work; I did whatever I could to help the symptoms.  And do you think they were concerned about my complaints? Nope.  They didn't take a MRI or CAT scan to make sure my eye wasn't going to explode (I went to my optometrist to make sure nothing was wonky with my eye) or that my brain wasn't going to explode and they kept telling me that there was nothing they could do for me.  And maybe there wasn't, but I felt like they didn't try every avenue to find out why these symptoms were as severe as they were for me. And it doesn't help that I am not a good advocate for myself because in those instances, I want to press the doctor for more tests or information, but then in my head I think that if they don't think anything is wrong, then maybe nothing is wrong and I am just fine.  My brain could be exploding and they would probably think everything was still fine.  

It was not fine.  I finally got put on some medication to reduce the post concussion symptoms and they helped for a while but then the usefulness decreased and trying to ask for a different kind of medication was aggravating and got me no where.  Everything about discussing my concussion symptoms with the health care professionals was like pulling teeth and getting judged.  It was ridiculous.  

The Post-Concussion Symptoms/Effects

It has been almost 2 years since the concussion. So people naturally assume that I am all good and life is swell.  Well, it is for the most part, but I still have struggles and symptoms of the concussion.  And that is when people say "surely, you can't be serious? it has been 2 years" and to this I say 

I will tell you in point form basically how I have to live my life right now to avoid any severe post-concussion symptoms:

• When playing volleyball, which yes, I still do, I need to drink a lot of water.  And I mean a lot of water.  Even if it is a simple game, I need to drink a lot of water.  And usually take some Tylenol and Advil in between the games.  I am not as good as a defensive player anymore as I am afraid of getting hit in the head again so if we play against a really good hard hitting team and the block on the power side isn't strong, I am backing way up so that way I am not a sitting duck.  If I have a slight headache I will still play, but I will pay for it the next day.  If I have any dizziness, I bail because that just won't be good and if I have any nausea I bail.  I don't sub either before or after my games as playing 2 games is more than my head can handle.  
• I have cut down on my drinking, which makes me sound like an alcoholic but I am not.  Before I used to love beer and drink beer but now beer gives me a headache and crappy feeling.  I found that gin is the only alcohol that doesn't make me want to stab myself in the head or fall down with dizziness or nausea.  I also can't have a drink if I am tired or already have a headache as that will exacerbate the headache.  
• Going to the movies is precarious - if I have a headache, I can't go.  If I have a hint of a headache, I can only go to a movie that won't have explosions or loud noises or flashing lights.  I remember I went and saw the Star Wars movie a couple months after the concussion and I felt like my brain was having tiny explosions - I was in pain.  I have to really watch what movies I choose to go see in the theatre and if my brain will be able it.  
• At work, my lights are still turned down around my desk and I know it will be a headache day if I feel like the lights are brighter than other days.  Also, my sense of smell can trigger headaches so at work, on random days, certain smells will exacerbate the headache.  And I still need to take brain breaks, especially if I am working on revising a document or doing a lot of thinking.  
• I am still in bed around 8:30 or 9.  I find that my energy level by the time I get home is pretty low and I am exhausted.  There are no longer nights where I can leave my house around 10 to be social.  Most of my friends know that my bedtime is around 9 so we make sure whatever
  
  plans we have will be long done before then.  And even though I don't get a good quality of sleep, if I don't get more than 4 hours of "brain rest", then I am a zombie the next day.  And am nauseous and dizzy and cranky.  I used to be able to function just fine on limited sleep and now, the bed makes its unhappiness known when I don't get sleep.  
• I am tired, all the time.  I don't run off of all cylinders like I used to and some days, I have zero clarity in the brain and have no idea what people are talking about.  And I get tired easily - people tired, environment tired, work tired, just tired.  
• Driving tires me out easily.  I used to be able to drive for a long time without having any adverse effects and now, when I drive home, by the time I get home, I am done for the day.  I am exhausted and tired and will most likely have a headache.  
• Some days, just out of the blue, I will get a wave of dizziness or nausea and usually will stay home on those days.  Thankfully they haven't happened very often but it does.  I have tried to track eating habits, weather patterns, menstruation patterns and I can't come up with anything specific that triggers it but most likely it is work related in that I was thinking too much or staring at my computer screen too much without taking breaks.  
• When cross stitching, I have to take frequent breaks to rest my eyes and brain.  I used to be able to cross stitch for long periods of time, sometimes never taking a break, but now, I have to, which means I don't get as much done in a period of time that I used to.  
• I had to change all the teas that I used to drink - anything black based gives me a headache, anything creamy based gives me a headache and anything with a lot of caffeine gives me a headache.  My tea selection is very limited now because of what my brain does and does not like.  It was sad when I realized I couldn't drink any of my favorite teas anymore.  

Regardless of any of the above, or any steps I take to try and mitigate any post-concussion symptoms, I still get them.  Headaches are a common thing in my life now and I don't bother taking Tylenol or Advil for them (unless it is a volleyball night) as I don't need my liver failing as a result.  I did some research and some people have effects for a couple of months after the concussion, a couple years after the concussion and some people have effects for the rest of their life.  I have a feeling I will fall in the last category because I am lucky that way. 

Concussions suck.  The after effects suck.  And people who don't truly understand what I am going through suck.  It isn't as simple as 'give it time' or 'drink more water', or x, y and z suggestions on what to do when the person doesn't have an inkling of what is happening. 

Moral of this blog:  1) F*#k it and don’t get a concussion.  Easier said than done in some instances but if you do get a concussion, be vocal about what you need from our healthcare system as they don't appear to want to help you out on their own; and 2) F*#k it and be understanding of people who are going through concussion symptoms.  Don't automatically write them off because they "appear" to be functioning.  Trust me, they are going through a struggle and having people not care or belittle their symptoms makes matters worse.    

New Year, New Me?; Scratch That; New Year, Better Me?; Nope, Don't Like That Either; New Year, Lets Show the World I Am Awesome; Yeah, I Like That!

Welcome 2018!!!! So nuts that you are here.   And with a new year comes all the wonderful posts....

Which I have a problem with. Not just a little problem, but a big problem.  Why do you have to be new?  What is wrong with the current version of you?  Now, granted, there may be some things wrong with the current version of you (medical, personality, etc etc) but if you are a person I know and I keep you in my life, there is nothing wrong with you and there is no need to become a "new" version of yourself.  I don't plan on being a new version of myself.  Why? Because I have come to the conclusion that most days, I am pretty fucking awesome and unless I can become awesomer, I don't want to change.  And it took a very long time to get to this stage. 

Sure I have some intentions to fulfill this year, those being the following:

• find a psych job 
• find a good therapist 
• do more blogging 
• get back into reading 
• do more journaling/tarot card reading 
• send more happy mail to people 

And the typical eat more healthy/put more exercise in the daily routine but those aren't even on my list because I am totally okay if I don't put those in my daily routines.  I want to do more things that put a smile on my face and makes me happy.  I won't like - 2017 kind of sucked between the concussion and the appendix and just everything else.  And when I did have moments to myself, I felt like I should be doing other things.  Well not this year life - this year I am doing things for myself.  First and foremost - finding a psych job.  It took a back burner near the end of 2017 as I was finding my hair falling out due to stress of life and decided I wanted to keep my hair and something other than my hair had to give so I stopped.  But I have a hair appointment on Thursday that will hopefully make me feel like I have the hair situation under control so I can start the job hunt again.  I miss doing therapy.  I loved doing therapy.  I felt like I was awesome doing therapy.  And I want to keep being awesome.  So, if doing therapy = being awesome, finding a job doing therapy is what is top of my list.  

But in all honesty, why do people feel the need to have a new them come the new year?  How many "new us's" do we have? Is it like a cat and we have 9 "us's"? And how much can we change before we lose other elements of ourselves?  I think that is where some people struggle.  I have known some people who didn't need to lose weight and decided that they needed to so they did (wonderful - great - I really wish I had their determination and focus on that).  But when they did, their personality changed and their attitude changed.  And I ended up not wanting to hang out with them anymore.  So what was it - did the weight change their original personality or was their personality always like that but they had to compensate for the weight (if that makes any sense)?  To become new, how much of yourself has to change?  And does it have to change? I would like to think it wouldn't change, that a person would be that much in tune with their true personality or their true self to keep who they are if they changed what they looked like/how much they weighed, but maybe it is one of those things that unless you do it, you can't say for certain.  Do I want some "new" aspects of myself? Absolutely.  I could stand to lose 20 - 40 pounds probably.  But do I really want to? No.  I like food.  I hate exercise.  And honestly, guys that I actually meet don't seem to mind my weight (I think it is probably my craziness that turns them away - I am a believer in not hiding the crazy when meeting people).  So I don't mind the weight.  Do I want a "new" look? I always want a new look and I usually go out and get that new look.  That happens quite often with me so not really a big deal.  I am pretty sure with me, I don't want a new me, I just want to improve on elements of myself without losing the originality of myself.  

I always resolve that this year will be better than the last year, but in all honesty, shit happens and you can't control it.  I have a roof over my head, I have a job that puts money in my bank account and I have a plan.  Well, I usually always have some sort of a resemblance of a plan, and then the plan takes detours and then I have to scale a mountain or drop over a cliff and I find myself turned completely around but eventually, I will get back to my plan.  And that is the way the year works.  You go with it and you take things as they happen.   And if you want a "new" you, have at 'er.  All the world to you! Just don't lose your awesomeness in the process.  

Moral of this blog:  F*#k it and don't feel the need to be "new".  Be yourself.  Be awesome.  Be who you are in this world and own it.  Me, I'm pretty awesome and I am going to be feel it more this year.  

When Sadness Scares People

I am a sad person.  I will admit it. I have more sad days than good and usually when I am happy, I have an underlying feeling of melancholy because I am usually waiting for that sadness to creep up.  I don't know if it is because I have accepted (and possibly embraced) my sadness or if it is because I realize it is one of our primary emotions and thus it is not a bad thing.  I don't know.  I am not one of those overly optimistic people - I tend to expect and think the worst.  My glass isn't usually half empty or half full, it is shattered with liquid leaking out.  Do I like being sad? Not particularly.  Do I choose to be sad? Not all the time.  Would life be better if I was happier?  Probably.  But I think sadness actually helps people and can be a positive thing.  Crazy sounding, right?! 

Whatever happens in our life, our emotions are there.  Unless you are apathetic.  And that would be a crappy way of living.  Shit happens and we have feelings about it.  Sometimes happy things happen.  Sometimes sad things happen.  Sometimes frustrating things happen.  And I have learned through my many years, that it is best to feel those feelings when it happens and not suppress them.   One has to acknowledge those feelings and work through them. Suppressing them sucks.  For a long time, I thought it was better to not show any sort of emotion other than happy.  If I was feeling sad, I had to portray happiness.  If I was feeling angry, I had to portray happiness.  If I was anxious, I had to portray happiness.  Sometimes, I still feel like I have to do that as people just don't want to see anything but happiness.  They don't want to hear anything except happiness.  And always, constantly, having to be an emotion you are not is taxing.  It wears a person down, physically and mentally and emotionally.  It makes it tiring to live life.  And nobody should have to go through life like that. 

Sadness is on a spectrum.  You have those sad moments when your tea place is out of your favorite tea.  Or you have those sad moments when you go into hysterical laughter.  Or you have those sad moments when you want to crawl into bed and never, ever, get out.  I have experienced all those moments.  And more.  But, as Timothy Q. Mouse has said "the very things that hold you down are going to lift you up".  Maybe when my tea place is out of my favorite tea, it makes me choose a different one and that one will be fantastic.  Or maybe the hysterical sadness-laughter will make other people smile a little in your craziness in their time of sadness.  I believe that sadness allows us to see the happiness that is out there.  It is the old adage in that you can't know one thing without knowing its opposite. And if that isn't an old adage, then maybe it should be a new adage.  I don't even know if that is an adage.  

However, people panic at sadness.  Also when people don't expect it.  But we are human.  Emotions are a part of us.  It *should* be hard for most people to distance themselves from their emotions in any given situation.  Why is it okay for a person to cry at a funeral because they are sad but not at work when they are going through that sadness?  Why is it okay for a person to feel frustrated at friends but not feel frustrated with co-workers?  It seems like society and/or people have put limitations on when and where people can feel emotions.  If that emotion is out of the boundary of what is acceptable, people panic.  

For example, I just went to a funeral.  It was heartbreaking.  Now, I can normally handle myself during funerals.  Shed some tears.  Keep some decorum.  Maintain composure.  But this funeral, I had difficulty doing that.  Some people apparently thought that I had a complete breakdown.  They panicked at my portrayal of sadness.  But my sadness was just different than their sadness.  And when it comes to death, and grieving and sadness, everyone is different.  Some people cope a hell of a lot better than others.  Nobody knows what is going on with that person or what is making them feel what they are feeling.  And I don't think it is in anybody's place to judge how a person grieves. Or how their sadness is portrayed.  

I know some people who almost refuse to be sad.  They look for the happiness, the silver lining in everything.  Everything.  It gets exhausting sometimes because when I want to, or need to, acknowledge some unhappiness, they basically turn away from it and try to say why I shouldn't be unhappy.  BE UNHAPPY PEOPLE!!!!!!  It is completely fine.  Just don't let it turn maladaptive or harmful to yourself.  There is a fine line and most people, most, know where that line is.  Me, not sure if I know that line.  But others, way more competent people, they know that line.  And you need to take the unhappiness with the happiness.  You need to know what pains feels like to appreciate the pleasure.  Sadness/unhappiness - it strengths a person.  I would hope.  It is usually when you are at the bottom of your life that you realize what you have above you and what you appreciate.  

Moral of this blog:  F*#k it and let yourself feel sad.  Let others be sad.  Don't judge.  Don't be afraid of sadness.  Embrace and be in awe of the people who are strong enough to feel sadness and express it because they are amazing people who don't fear emotions.   

It's Not That I Am Afraid of Commitment, It is More Like I Am More Concerned For My Happiness

I have heard from a couple of people that I have commitment issues.  And I wouldn't necessarily disagree with them.  But the way I see it, 

Now granted I haven't done extensive travelling around the world or anything like that.  Not like my sister.  But I keep having this uneasy feeling that I haven't settled where I should just yet and am waiting for the next opportunity to pack up and head elsewhere.  I am pretty sure, hopefully, that once I do find that stopping point, it will feel right to make some roots.  But at the moment, I am far from that feeling.  I mean, I still have most of my stuff in boxes; I refuse to unpack just in case I move away somewhere.  

A couple weeks/months ago, we had our service awards at work (as previously mentioned in a past post).  And it got me to thinking about what speech my lawyer would give to me as the trend is to speak of the journey that employee went on to get to where they are now.  So, *clears throat* this is how I envision my speech to go:

Ashley started in law a long time ago, back in 2002, when she couldn't decide what she wanted to do and decided on law because of Ally McBeal.  Her first of many wrong decisions she would make in her life.  Originally, her and her boyfriend were to move to Calgary and she got her practicum placement at Law Firm 1 (I am not going to mention all the names of the firms since I have left most of them due to them being really crappy places to work), but, like most things she does in her life, Ashley decided at the last moment that moving to Calgary wasn't in the best interests and quickly, hurridly and panickly, found a placement in Red Deer.  She went to work and sooner than she realized, she hated it.  However, she got hired on and felt proud as maybe she finally found her career.  But that was a very short lived feeling.  After a couple of months of being hired on, she was let go as work was slow.  After that, she had some career crises which lead her to applying at Red Deer College in their kinesiology program, which she got accepted into, but decided that she was going to keep pursuing her legal assistant career, for some, strange, stupid reason.  Following that, she found a job in Sylvan Lake as a receptionist as she decided that being a legal assistant wasn't for her.  After some time being a receptionist, a legal assistant position opened up with a lawyer she had respect for, so she took it.  Being his legal assistant was wonderful as she was actually doing work on the file.  However, the law firm itself was full of politics and corruption so she decided to leave.  She quickly found another job in Red Deer and within a couple of months at that job, she found a job at a different law firm in Red Deer. After a couple of months at that law firm, her and her boyfriend decided to move to Calgary.  Once she arrived in Calgary, she found a job at a law firm and started working there.  And realized, once again, how much she hated being a legal assistant.  So, after quitting that job, she became a temporary assistant with a placement agency and this seemed to appease her.  After a short while, she decided she wanted something more permanent and found a job at a law firm.  Again, she found something she enjoyed doing but she didn't see eye-to-eye with management and subsequently quit.  It was at this time she decided that she was going to go back to school for psychology.  When she returned to Calgary after finishing her two years at a college for university transfer, she found a law firm job to work at during the summers and holidays and stuck around after she had graduated from University of Calgary with her psychology degree.  However, she soon decided that she wanted to move on to get her masters and quit her job.  Without thinking.  As she realized that getting into a masters program would take time, she found another law firm job to bide her time getting into a masters program.  Once she was accepted into a masters program, she quit her job and moved away.  She lived in the United States off and on for the past three years until the country deported her, and now she is back with us.  And we are happy she is with us.  And the pool is up to $1,000 to see how long she lasts this time"

Now maybe it won't be word for word, but you get the gist.  

Is that a lot of moving around? Yes.  Does it look good on a resume? Absolutely not.  Did I learn something from each place I worked at? Hell yes.  From the first law firm, I learned I didn't like working in law firms.  From the second law firm, I learned I didn't like working in places that politics runs the show.  Etc etc.  Each place, each time I moved on, I took a lesson from that place and figured out how to apply it in my life.  I don't regret all my choices in moving and changing jobs.  Because if I stuck it out in places I dislike because I need to "commit", I would have never experienced everything I have done.  If I listened to family and friends when they said "this is what you choose, you have to make the most of it" I would never gone to get my masters and worked in a jail and found something I was passionate about.   I believe that I will not fear commitment once I find that *thing* that will keep me grounded.  As that groundedness will lead to happiness.  Which is what I am constantly seeking.  

And that *thing* could be anything.  It could be a job.  A place.  A person.  A hobby.  Who knows.  I don't look at just one thing in my life, I look at everything.  I was with my ex for 6 years.  Now that is commitment.  Especially being unhappy for, oh, lets say, 4 of those years.  Seriously, if that isn't commitment, what is?  Well, actually, that is stupidity.  But, back then, I told myself that since that is the path I choose, I had to make the most of it. And the day I left him, that was the hardest day of my life.  I thought my life was over.  Do I regret leaving him?  I won't lie - some days I do as I think that I will never find another guy like him who put up with my moods and craziness.  But then I give my head a shake because I wasn't happy, regardless of what he put up with.  And I deserve that happiness.  

However, I went in the completely opposite direction.  The idea of settling down with a person, living in a house, cooking, being "domesticated" frightens me.  I need to find a middle point somewhere, a happy balance.  And maybe that is why I am apprehensive of getting into a relationship again, because I don't want to a) leave on a whim because I see a squirrel or b) stay in it because I don't want people to label me a commitmentphobe.  I honestly do believe that one day I may meet a guy who will be a game changer, who will cause those feelings of settling down and making roots something that is appealing to me and doesn't make me want to curl up in the fetal position and cry.  I keep my mind open to that chance.  And I think it is when you find that person, that situation, that job, that makes you want to feel committed to whatever it is, it won't feel like a chore or a job or a punishment to do same.  

But lets look at some positive things in my life that has stuck - I am committed to playing volleyball, even when I have a bum hip or weak ankles or any pain in my body.  I am committed to cross stitching even when I think I picked the worst pattern ever and it will take me years, YEARS, to finish what I started.  I am committed to watching really bad movies or tv shows because I have started it.  I am committed to my craziness.  I am committed to finding a pair of shoes that don't kill my feet.  I do have aspects in my life that I am committed to and those aspects are the ones that make me happy.  So then, I ask you, why would I be committed to something that makes me unhappy?

We only get one life.  One.  Try to experience everything you can in that one life.  Don't weigh yourself down to something, someone, who will make you miserable and unhappy for that life just because you want to appear "committed" to something.  That is such a horrible word.  I think it should be stricken from the english language.  It makes people panic and do things they may not ordinarly do.  Like stay in an unhappy relationship.  Or stay in a miserable job.    

Moral of this blog:  F*#k it and don't let commitment weigh you down in life.  Be committed to your happiness as that is all that matters in this one life we live.