As you all know, or now you will all know, I dislike birthdays. For many different reasons. But bottom line - I dislike birthdays. Not all birthdays. Just my birthday. I would rather celebrate unbirthdays.
Let me list the reasons why I dislike birthdays:
- I am not comfortable being the center of attention (maybe also why I have no inclination to ever getting married)
- When I was 12, my mom asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I told her I wanted a watch but she was trying to persuade me to get these magic sticks of some sort but me being stubborn, I wanted a watch. So we went to Lloyd and I picked out the watch I wanted, got it and I was happy. But then that night, I heard Mom and Dad having a huge fight and in my mind, I attributed it to the fact that I got the watch and not the magic sticks.
- The more I get older, the more I realize I haven't done what I want to do, what I think I *should* be doing or happy with the life I have lived.
But over the years the above has changed. Let me list why things have changed:
- I still don't like being the center of attention. That won't change. But being around friends, people who know you and will not have you the center of attention, that makes it more bearable. Friends who won't tell restaurants it is your birthday, make you sit at the head of the table, those types of things.
- I realize that I did not single handedly break up my parents because I choose a watch for my birthday. I have had my psych training and am in a position to counsel people who feel the same way I do regarding divorced parents. But when I was 12, I didn't have that training. I wasn't able to see beyond what was happening. However, it took me a long time to be able to process and understand what was really happening and not blame myself for the dissolution of their marriage. A long time it took. I won't lie - some days I still look back and think I was a contributor but not the main reason.
- Who cares what I haven't done, or that I am not doing what I *should* be doing (as in the eyes of society) and I should be damn proud and happy about the life I have lived. I shouldn't be comparing my life to anyone else's as it is my life, not theirs.
I especially have trouble with the third one. I constantly compare myself with others and the lives they are leading compared to mine. For example - most people I went to school with are in committed relationships, have families, own a house, have something stable in my life. The stability I have - my insanity. But the type of lifestyle I lead is one that takes me whenever, where ever. If I got a call tomorrow from some place in the States, saying they would sponsor me for a greencard/work visa, I would move in a heartbeat. If I looked online today and applied for a job in my psych field and they offered me a job, I would take it in a heartbeat. I would move to Iqualuit if there was a job up there for me. Basically - I have no stability. I have no foundations, no roots keeping me anywhere. I don't have a guy holding me to one place, I don't own a home (in fact I try to find places that don't require leases). My family is understanding of me moving where ever (at least in my mind I think they are understanding about it all). But at 32, is that the way I should be living my life? FUCK YEAH. Why? Cause it is my life. Would I be happy and content living in one place, knowing that I will be there for a long time, being grounded (aka - stuck)? Probably not. As my cousin put it - I have commitment issues. However, I have life commitment issues. And because of that, I cannot and should not compare my life with others. It is like comparing apples and fish.
I am happy with the life I have lead and can only imagine what else is in store for me. It could mean another move to the US. It will hopefully mean getting back into the psych side of my life. Maybe getting my doctorate. Who knows?? The point is that I have a lot of life still to live and a plethora of experiences yet to experience. I shouldn't look back and think of all the things I haven't done as that doesn't mean they still can't happen. I shouldn't get hampered down by society, by people around me and my own thoughts. I need to be happy with what I have and what I still aspire to have. I have a roof over my head, a job, food in my fridge, good friends, my health and family that loves and supports me. That is a pretty fucking awesome life if I can say so myself. And I am only 32. Seems old as fuck but I still have a lot of life ahead of me. So I need to embrace that and not worry about anything else. As Timon would say - hakuna matata.
Moral of this Blog - F*#k it and embrace your age and your experiences and the fact that you have more years ahead of you to be happy and be yourself. Don't compare yourself to others because you are you and you will live the life you want.