You Know How You Go Into A Public Restroom and the Integrity of Every Stall Has Been Comprised So You Have to Pick the Least Disgusting One? That Is How I Feel About Dating.

(the title was taken from a hallmark card - not my original thought but I love it!!) 

Well my intention of blogging more has clearly failed.  The problem is that I have about 3 unfinished blog postings that I keep going back to that I just can’t seem to finish.  Not sure if it is writers block or what, so we need to celebrate that I got this one done – yay!!  

A friend and I have always talked about speed dating in Calgary and since I did it while I lived in DC, I figured why the hell not.  It isn’t that scary and can provide a night of entertainment if nothing else.  However, our schedules never seem to align and one night I just decided to sign up for two different speed dating events in Calgary.  Why two you ask?  Many reasons – 1) broaden the net of potential fish; 2) see the difference between the companies (make it an experiment so to speak); and 3) just the two really.  I didn’t expect anything to come out of either night so I was going in to both events with the view that it was a night out talking to many different people.  So come along with me on the journey of the two speed dating events.  Names have not been included to protect identities on the rare chance someone may read this and it is one of the guys, but I am using my own nicknames that could be very specific.  So guy, if you are reading this and I have named you, first off – you are potentially an asshole if you didn’t match with me and I said I wanted to get to know you better or I apologize if you said you wanted to get to know me better and I did not reciprocate. 

So come along with me on the first night!!  

I get to the coffee shop, thinking it will be nice and cozy and comforting.  Not so much.  It was small and bright, not really comfy cozy.  I pick the very last table for two reasons: 1) to have some space on at least one side of me and 2) I figured it was going to get loud in there and wanted to try to mitigate that as much as I could.  So sat down and just waited.  And then it felt like we were getting picked for a dodgeball game.  The women sat down along the wall and the guys picked a seat and sat down with that girl to start off the event.  So yeah, it felt a lot like getting picked last for the dodgeball game.  I don’t

know if I was picked last but it was still not a good feeling.  The event started off with an “ice breaker” wherein we were supposed to mingle and ask a couple of questions to the opposite sex to see if we were a match on the forms.  Well with the space so small, it was hard to mingle.  And to hear people.  I think I only talked to two people and then gave up as it was crowded and people weren’t really moving (I think they all thought the same thing).  After the ice breaker, we sat down again and the speed dating started. 

I swear at this event, all the guys had emailed each other or something and had this type of conversation:

“Hey, guys,  what’s a good hobby we should all say that will make the women like us?”

“Yo, bro, what about playing sports?”

“nah – women don’t like sports.  They like shopping and getting their nails done.  Sports won’t interest them.  It has to be manly and a turn on.”.  

“what about hitting the gym? What woman doesn’t want a guy who goes to the gym. Goes with the paleo diet which I am sure we are all on at the moment, we are big, strong.  *insert manly grunt Instant turn on.”

Why do I think this? Because. Every. Single. Guy.  (no word of a lie).  Every guy said in their spare time, they went to the gym.  Seriously.  My head hurts when it tries to figure out the rationale for the need for people to have to vocalize their gym expeditions.  Sure, being fit and healthy is all fine and dandy, but it just seems like this mentality of going to the gym is such a big deal.  I was honestly trying to not laugh every time I heard that hobby.  I also wanted to be like “know your audience.  Do I look like a woman you would find willingly in a gym? Hell no.  So does that impress me? Not so much.”  I would have been way more impressed or interested if they said they played volleyball or hockey or something.  Maybe that is a reason why I am still single.  One of the very many reasons.  I haven’t jumped on this “to live is to go to the gym” bandwagon.  And I don’t think I ever will.  

So notwithstanding the whole shouting at each other sitting a foot across each other because it was so frigging loud in there, there were some decent conversations.  Here are some of the memorable moments from that first event.  

I have realized that sarcasm can get lost in a 5 minute conversation.  With one of the guys, who was a financier for a rich, hoity toity family, we were talking about his

transferring money to an offshore account.  So I asked if he was squirreling money away at the Cayman Islands or British Virgin Islands for a rainy day, wink wink, and it went right over his head as he went into the tax liabilities in each country.  And then my eyes glazed over.  I tried to backtrack out of asking about his work and tried to move into his hobbies.  That is when he mentioned going to the gym as a hobby and I almost vomited as by this time, I heard that hobby about 5 times.  I wanted to ask if all the guys went to the same gym and wore hats but again, the sarcasm probably would have escaped him and he would have went into the logistics of wearing a hat while working out.   

Then there was the guy who said that he worked in IT on gambling and porn websites.  So I was like “wow, you cornered the market on enabling the non-drug-or-alcohol addictions”.  And he looked at me.  And I looked at him.  And then he said “yeah, my sisters told me I should come to events like this as they know people who met people this way”.  And the whole time, he was shifty eyed to all the other tables, sat sideways, almost ready to bolt at any moment and had beady eyes.  I will admit, I kind of got a “you may kill people and take their eyeballs” kind of vibe.  

Another guy, I have no clue why he was there.  Either he assessed all of us from the get-go and deemed us all as unworthy of a legit conversation or he was just there for shits and

giggles and didn’t want to have any meaningful conversations.  He would get up in the middle of the 5-minute conversation to get some water (while most people tried to jam in as many words as they could in those 5 minutes to make an impression or something – I guess he wanted to make an impression in a different way).  He gets to my table and our conversation is super superficial – it is all about speed dating.  Nothing personal.  So clearly, he didn’t want to get to know me as a person.  And he got up and got a drink of water during our conversation, so I was like “good talk.  Excellent conversation skills. You definitely know how to carry a conversation and how to engage a female”.  The chick who was sitting beside me was trying to not laugh as she heard me.  He came back to the table during my soliloquy, so I am pretty sure he completely wrote me off after that.  Big loss.

  

End result of the first event – interesting characters, not any really that I could actually see myself in a legit relationship with.  I did put down that I would be interested in coffee with a couple of them and I matched with one of them. Yay!  But more on that later…… (enter suspenseful music).

   

Soooo……… lets go to the second event!

I get to the restaurant, happy that we are off to the side with a slight barrier as I had pictured us sitting among the patrons and being their entertainment for the evening.  They had a better set up than the first event in that both the guys and the girls had assigned tables so it wasn’t like getting picked last for the dodgeball team.  And I will admit that I nerded out a little at this event as I was reading such a fascinating book and brought it with me so when I sat at my table, instead of mingling and making small talk, I was the loner with the nose in a book with probably some pretty interesting facial expressions on the face.  But, if the guy had a positive outlook, it would have shown that I was an intellect and liked the finer things in life, like books and literature.  At least that is how I was justifying it at the moment.  

There was no icebreaker game at this event, thank goodness, so the dating started right away.  And, like last time, I swear all the guys had emailed each other or something and had this type of conversation:

“Hey, guys,  what’s a good hobby we should all say that will make the women like us?”

“Yo, bro, what about going to the gym? I heard that work”

“nah – I used that at the last event and I didn’t match up with enough of the hotties.  They are looking for something they can (in a higher voice) ‘do together’ Urgh.  I just want to hit the gym”.  

“what about golfin’? Women can wear the tight clothes, it is outside, we can show our biceps.  Seems like a good situation for everyone”

Why do I think this? Because. Every. Single. Guy.  (no word of a lie).  Every guy said in their spare time, they golf.  Seriously.  At one point, with one of the guys, I asked if all the guys had the same membership and they all golfed together with matching outfits and he just looked at me weird.  Clearly he didn’t get the inside joke and also, maybe they didn’t have a phone call prior to make that the commonality.  And again, the sarcasm went away above the head.  

At this venue, it was way easier to hear each other, which was nice.  I could actually hear the conversations and they were, like last time, pretty decent.  Here are some of the memorable moments from that second event.  

Ohh, before we get into the guys though, a little psych experiment was conducted – we were sitting at high top table and the guys chair at my table wasn’t across from me but was beside me.  I didn’t move it as I wanted to see if the guys would sit beside me or if they would move it to across the table for comfort.  Let the mind games begin!

First guy – nothing too memorable or exciting about our conversation but he did not move the chair and sat beside me during the conversation.  

Second guy – our conversation was full of laughter.  His first question was asking the age of the girls (I was his second) so we talked about that and then tattoos and that is when he learned that I had no anatomy knowledge as I thought the tattoo of bamboo on his forearm was of his forearm bones.  Which would have been a lot cooler.  But nope.  They were bamboo stalks.  We did not match.  But he did not move the chair.  

Third guy – WAS THE GUY I MATCHED AT THE FIRST EVENT.  And we never did connect after that first event.  And he moved to the chair to sit across from me.  So did he do that because he was ashamed that we never connected from the first event? Or did he do that because he didn’t want to sit beside me?  I say the second option because after he left my table, I kept glancing over at the tables he was at and he did sit beside the girls at some table.  I tell you people – non verbal behavior tells SO MUCH!!!  Anywho, the elephant in the room about matching at the first event was never talked about and we talked about mundane things at this event.  Needless to say, I did not put down that I would see him again after this event.  

So the guy from the first event who kept getting the water during each limited meeting was also at this event.  And he did not remember me!!! I mean seriously.  How many women does he meet that warrants him not remembering me.  And I have to say, most people say I am pretty memorable (I take it as a compliment).  The whole conversation I just kept looking at him, trying to subconsciously tell him that we met at the previous event, especially as he started this conversation the exact same as he did at the first event.  I mean seriously.  I wanted to laugh but I just ran with it and had some fun with him.  I know, not nice, but come on, he didn’t remember me. 

There was this guy that, my goodness, I could see the hamster wheel just spinning in his brain.  It was so strange.  We would be talking and all of a sudden it would be like his brain said “oh, you haven’t smiled in 1 minute so smile” and just out of the blue, he

would smile.  And then the smile would vanish and he would just start nodding.  And then you could see the wheel turning again.  It was like his brain was constantly saying “smile.  Now nod.  Now look interested.  Don’t stare but don’t look away.  Maintain eye contact.  Don’t be creepy.  You are being creepy.  Smile.  Nod.  Now don’t do anything.  Good.  And Repeat”.   I found it was hard to have a conversation with him as I was too fascinated in trying to figure out his mannerisms.  And then my brain went to “what is he like in bed if this is what he is like during a conversation”.  Not a pretty picture. 

Lastly, again, sarcasm escapes the many.

  One of the guys, when he sat down at my table, on his sheet he had drawn those funky “s”’s/lattice doodles that I used to do all the time in high school and college.  So I commented on it when I saw it, telling him that I used to draw those all the time when I was bored in school.  And then laughed, saying that I hope he hasn’t been bored since getting there.  And he tells me that he can draw and listen and I say “whoa – you mean I am talking to a guy who can multi-task?” and he just looks at me and then proceeds to tell me about some guy who did something with numbers while multitasking and my eyes glazed over and the voice inside of my head said “didn’t you learn from the first event to not use sarcasm” and that is when I realized he was staring at me, waiting for me to say something so I responded with “that is super interesting”.  Not surprising, we did not match.  

Over all, it was a fun night. I did not match with any of the guys but I didn’t expect to really.  I met some really interesting folks but I don’t think I was their cup of tea, and honestly, my intelligence and book-loving demeanour was just too much for them to handle.  At least that is what I am telling myself.  Both events were fun and I am glad that I told myself to get out of the house and do them.  You never know who you will meet and I had much laughter those two nights.  If you have never tried speed dating, I say try it just for the experience.  

Moral of this blog:  F*#k it and don’t put expectations on yourself when you are putting yourself out there.  Have fun, be yourself and don’t forget to laugh.