Friday, December 30, 2016

When It Feels Like The World Is Out To Get You

"They" say that God doesn't throw things at you that you can't handle.  A) I don't know who "they" are, but they are off their rocker.  B) why the hell would God (or whomever) wants to push you to your tipping point?  Their sick game of a joke?  Probably.  C) More times than not, when beat so far down that the only way to go is up, it feels like it is too difficult and hopeless as once you are back up, the world is going to push you back down again.

And to that, I say fuck off world.

It is quite hard to go through a day, a week, a lifetime, where it always feels like the world is against you.  Or trying to stop you from doing things.  In the book "The Dance of Fear", Harriet Lerner poses that the universe sends countermoves, saying "you are making a bold and courageous change and here is my countermove, you need to prove your commitment to making this change" (page 88).  Again, I say fuck you universe.  Why do I need to prove my commitment?   I remember when I was moving to Washington DC for my masters.  I was so excited - I was finally doing something that I wanted with my schooling, I was getting out of Calgary, I was doing something fun and exciting and adventurous with my life.  Well the day I was supposed to be moving out of my Calgary home, my grandma passed away (whom I had lived with while going to college).  So trying to get my movers organized and travel preparations ready to head to the funeral, I felt sad.  I didn't attribute it to my moving. Yet.  And thankfully I had time before flying out to Washington so I didn't have to change those flights.  Yet.   Then shortly after my grandma passed away, my aunt (whom I had lived with while going to college) passed away.  And I had to move my flights around to stick around for that funeral.  It was when I was on my flight to Washington that I felt like I was being punished for leaving, for doing something with my life.  In a way, a very selfish thought but I just felt that the world was getting their revenge for me finally being happy.

When I got my concussion (for those who don't know, I have a concussion - they suck, don't ever get one), I wanted to give up on a daily basis.  I was battling my brain from exploding, or bleeding out, or jamming something in my head to give it a tangible pain.  And, oh, the emotions, the emotions that come with it - crying and irritability.  For about 2 weeks, at the end of the day, I would lay on my bed and cry, which wouldn't help the head at all.  I just felt so lost and beaten and broken and wasted.  And empty - like nothing else was left inside of me.  I had no energy to attempt to have a functioning life.  I wanted the world to just stop.  And it was so difficult to get through each day with the physical pain in my head and the mental and emotional pain I was going through.   I was trying to figure out what I had done in a past life that made the world hate me as much as it did.  And the pain I felt inside of me, everywhere inside of me, was not fun.  Every day I would wake up and wish I didn't wake up.  I felt nothing except hurt and pain.  And I kept thinking that there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel, but I have yet to find it.

I am a romantic person.  I will admit it.  I have thoughts of meeting my true love in Chapters or at the Zoo or at a coffee place.  I do believe in Happily Ever After and those hallmark moments that make other people want to vomit.  I believe in the love that my brother has and I have seen it, so I know it exists.  Maybe just not for me.  I know I have issues.  I know that I am not the prettiest person, the skinniest person.  But I am me.  I have a fantastic personality and my experiences and adventures are a wonderful thing to have.  But no guy.  I have tried, don't get me wrong.  And this is another place the world decides to screw with me.  I will meet a guy.  We will have a fantastic time together.  And then nothing.  I know there are douches and assholes out there, but I seem to have a magnet for them. Especially when things look to be going so well and we have the same interests and humor and whatnot.  And then he falls off the face of the earth.  And I end up feeling insanely crappy and depressed about myself.  Why would the world allow me to meet that person if they weren't going to stick around?  I just don't get it.  Again, I say Fuck You World.

So what is there to do?  Bow the head and give up? Live each day, wondering what is going to happen the next day?  It is a crappy way to live.  So maybe this is also a goal for 2017 - to not let the world win.  To give it the finger, to crank up the music and do a dance, to escape to the Zoo, the mountains, to the bookstore when the world is crashing down around me.  And think that as long as I am breathing, tomorrow is a fresh day.  And keep hoping that maybe one day, just one day, it will be better.

Moral of this blog:  F*#k it and don't let the world win.  Do whatever it takes to overpower the crapiness and go to bed, thinking the next day is a brand new day that hasn't been shitted on yet.  

(Lerner, Harriet. The Dance of Fear. New York: HarperCollins Publishers, 2004)