To all the assholes, douches and toxic people, I say 'good day to you!'

There is 7.3 billion people on earth.  I know this because I googled and Google never lies.  That is a lot of people.  That means there is roughly 3.65 billion men in the world.  Now, for argument sake, lets say 4/10 guys are actually nice.  And not knowing math, that would be 2.9 billion men are assholes.  That is a lot of assholes. 

I am talking about those people in your life that a) you have no clue why they are in your life; b) you seem to feel bad or frustrated or less than what you should feel after talking to them; c)they only talk to you when they have an issue or problem and d) you have thought to yourself more than once 'why exactly am I friends with this person?'  

I seem to have those people in my life and I try to not be in contact with them.  And it seems like it happens more and more, especially when they think they are happening.  As my mother has said before 'the road to hell is paved with good intentions'.  Well, that road must be paved in gold with all the good intentions out there.  

People are awesome, don't get me wrong.  I love people.  But only when they actually take the time out to understand you, get to know you and are there for you when you need them to be and vice versa.  Moving back to the country has made me realize that I used to (used to being the key word as I have now stopped communicating with them and I feel so much better by doing so) talk with people who never really listened to me and didn't understand what I was going through or what my life consisted of.  

Prime example is this whole conundrum with my education/experience and working up in Canada as a therapist.  TRUST ME PEOPLE - if it was as simple as applying for my license and getting a job, I would be doing that right now.  You need to trust me on this.  But no.  So many people think that it is that easy.  And when I start explaining to them about my education and how my hours from the States don't transfer up and how I need to find a supervisor for the hours that I will work and how I will have to pay that supervisor for the supervised hours and all this jazz, it is like they don't believe me.  Again, TRUST ME ON THIS.  If it was simplier, I would be doing it.  But instead of actually listening to what I am saying and the frustrations I am feeling, they think it is better to just tell me to 'go ahead and do it then'.  Not that simple.  And if you were listening, you would realize that.  So I am just going to stop talking to you now.  Because you are toxic.  And I refuse to have toxic people in my life.  

Then there are those toxic people who make you feel like they are a good friend, but in truth they are a fair weather friend.  They are there when they need an ear to listen or some advice.  For example, if I am having a bad day and I text said friend, it could be four days until I get a response.  But if they are having a bad day and text me, they can expect a response from me that day.  Totally not a fair deal.  Those friends are the worst.  Because what is worse than having a bad day and not feeling like you have friends there to help and support you through them.  (And I am not saying that all my friends are like that because I totally have kick ass friends that do listen to me and I hope they feel like I listen to them as well).  So to these friends who are only there when they need help, I am just going to stop talking to you.  I am going to stop allowing you to take advantage of me.  Because you are toxic.  And I refuse to have toxic people in my life.  

Now, granted, some toxic people you just can't get rid of.  I am talking about family.  They are kind of with you throughout your life.  You can, however, distance yourselves from them.  Talk to them only when necessary.  Take those steps to protect yourself but you can't get rid of them entirely.  Well you could I guess.  People have in the past.  But personally, I could not.  Even though they could tell me extremely hurtful things (like disown me for example), they are still family.  However, in that sense, I just distance myself.  Build up my defences again, make sure I am in a position where I can be around said family members and then distance myself again.  It is about self preservation.  And not giving a shit when something happens in their life because they shouldn't expect anything from you judging on how they treated you in the past.  So, in terms of dealing with toxic people who you can't necessarily push out of your life, adopt the 'I don't give a shit' mentality.  It helps.  And works. 

By getting rid of toxic people, I have decreased the amount of people I have in my life.  Drastically.  If this was high school, I would be the loner with only a couple of friends.  And guess what, I was that person in high school.  I like quality, not quantity.  It is the same on Facebook. I will go through purges on Facebook - if we haven't posted something on each others wall, commented on a status or a picture in the past x amount of months, then I don't need to be friends with you.  Plain and simple.  I don't care if I have 100 friends or 10 friends.  Those 10 friends are much better people than the 100 combined.  And that is who you need to surround yourself with.  Because those people matter.  Those people will know you.  Will know what you are going through, will know what you want in your life, will know what to do when you need to laugh or smile and will be there with you when you need to cry.  Those people are the people you need in your life. 

Surround yourself with happiness.  Toxic people will drag you down.  They will make you feel like shit.  They will make you feel empty and alone.  And who wants that?  Nobody. Nobody wants that.  So don't get it.  Stand up for yourself and don't worry about the amount of friends you have.  Worry about the quality of friendships.  Because that is what matters.  

Moral of this blog:  F*#k It and say 'fuck you, good day, adios, arrivederci' to all those toxic people in your life.  Surround yourself with happiness. 

When the Zombie Apocalypse hits, Who Will You Be?

I have been watching a lot of The Walking Dead recently (which, if you know me, seems kind of strange and odd since I cannot stand scary movies or people dressed up but for some reason zombie movies or tv shows I am okay with).  Walking Dead is a pretty good show, even though I am not sure if it is *that good* that is has the following and fan base that it does.  However, watching the show has made me question my morals and ethics and my personality and how they would all relate if/when the zombie apocalypse hits us.  

First and foremost, I think that if I (and others) survived the zombie apocalypse, I would make a killing as a therapist because mostly everyone will have PTSD from the event.  I mean, how could you not - you are probably killing people you have known your whole life, have to be aware of what could be around every corner or tree or door or window and basically fend for yourself every waking (and sleeping, but I suggest not sleeping if you could do it) moment of your life.  That has got to take its toll on a person.  

However, after the apocalypse hits, how will that have changed people?  Would they see the world as a place that is going to hell in a handbasket? Will they be grateful of everything they have and the life that they can live?  I really don't know what I would be like.  I would like to think that I would appreciate my life, but how could I not flinch or panic if I am with a boy and he leans in to kiss me and my first instinct is to blow his head off because I think he is trying to eat me?  Lots of counselling will be needed I think.  

During the apocalypse though, what would happen?  I think I would need to get over my fear of everything and not jump or scream when I hear a noise as that for surely would attract the zombies to my location.  My first instinct would be to curl up in the fetal position but that would result in my untimely death.  So if not the fetal position, what would I do/who would I be?  Lets go through the stereotypical characters most often seen in horror movies (I pulled these characters from websites):   

• The Non-Believer - I think if I saw a rotted corpse come walking towards me, I would believe it was a zombie.  The whole 'seeing is believing' mentality would be shot out of water in an instant.  There are such things as zombies when one is trying to bite your face off.  Start believing in a heartbeat or else you will struggle through the apocalypse.  
• The couple having sex - well a) I would need to have a boy and b) it would have to be in a very, very secluded spot that has no chance of zombies encountering us.  Cause how bad would that suck to turn into a zombie and be naked.  They aren't that intelligent to be know how to put clothes on.  

• as a side note to The Walking Dead - how come there aren't any naked zombies?  Are you telling me that whenever people turned/died/whatnot, they were all wearing clothes?  I know for a fact that a lot of people sleep naked.  I find this highly improbable that there are no naked zombies.  
• The Blonde - well I am blond.  So I have that working against me.  But I would think I have more smarts than the stereotypical blond and actually have the brains to not do dumb shit when facing zombies.  Or just doing dumb shit that could have me facing zombies.  
• The Jock - I play volleyball.  But unless I am setting the ball to the zombie or throwing the ball in their face, my sports skills wouldn't come in handy.  I also hate running.  And I am pretty sure my knees and hips would give out and I would be zombie bait.  I would be the person that people want to run with so they know they would get away.  
  
• The Loner - I like to think myself as a loner but I think when it comes to the zombie apocalypse, it would be better to be in a group.  You need someone who has your back cause it would be a pretty desolate place if it is you against a hundred zombies.  Don't be stupid and find people to help you survive.  
• The Redneck - Umm....no.  Not me at all.  But definitely would hunt one down to stick with as this guy would make it through with no problems.  
• The Sexy Bitch - Umm....no.  I wouldn't be running around the world in something sexy.  My first order of business would be to find comfy pants and a tank top or something.  If I am running from zombies, it won't be done in high heels. 
• The girl that never wants to leave the house - YES!!!! That would totally be me.  Why leave if you are safe?  Besides the fact that a) I would run out of food b) I would run out of water c) I would have no electricity d) I would be all alone e) the zombies could break down my door or window to get to me and then I would be a trapped rat.  So let's rethink this idea.  

So who would I be?  A combination of the above.  But I think my psych brain would be going into overdrive getting people to try to relax and calm down and not go on murderous rampages when they feel like there is no end.  

Sometimes, and not just the zombie apocalypse, we are faced with situations where a part of us arises that we never knew we had in us.  It could be something like breaking up with your partner, moving to a different country, standing up for yourself in any situation or just pushing through a barrier that you have in front of you.  We have had practice doing these things - why should a zombie apocalypse be any different?  

Two things to consider when it comes to the zombie apocalypse:  1)  will they really know how to do the thriller dance?  Is it something that is inherently put into zombies, kind of like breathing for humans?  and 2)  I don't know if they will make the greatest shields.  A couple of times in the Walking Dead, logic has failed.  I mean, there are zombies that are basically in pieces, they have holes throughout their body but can still move.  And you can stomp on their heads and crush their skull.  Yet if someone is shooting at you, you can grab a zombie body and use it as a shield.  Really Walking Dead??!! REALLY??!!  This is not believable.  

Moral of this blog:  F*#k It and if the zombie apocalypse arrives, reach in and find that inner strength to survive.  Don't be the blond or the sexy chick.  Unless you be like Alice from Resident Evil. Cause she friggin rocks!!  Find your Inner Alice and persevere.  And do this in all aspects of your life, not just in the zombie apocalypse. 

Danger?! Ha!! I laugh in the face of danger!! Ha ha ha!!!

When it comes to a challenge, a mountain, a hurdle, a roadblock, the Grand Canyon, what do you do?  Do you turn around and run or do you face it head on?  Or, more specifically, how have you evolved to facing challenges?  

I used to be the type of person who would turn around and run from a challenge.  If something popped up in my life that would turn it topsy-turvy or would cause a decision that needed to be made, I wouldn't do it.  I would mentally curl up in the fetal position and wait for the roadblock to become non existant and then go on with my merry life.  

Not the way to live.  Whatsoever.  

I really don't know what the defining moment for me was when I decided that I would face my challenges head on, make my world topsy-turvy if I had to to face my mountains.  I know it happened when I was with my ex-boyfriend.   We were together for 6 years and one day I woke up and said to myself 'I am sick of living like this.  I deserve to be happy'.  And I took the steps to start finding my happiness.  It was the biggest decision of my life and such a Grand Canyon to figure out how to get to the other side, but guess what, I didn't fall down, I didn't die, I didn't curl up in the fetal position.  I made it to the other side.  Happier.  Yeah, a little rough around the edges and raw, but I made it.  I faced that challenge head on and went with it.  

We are faced with challenges every day.  Some more so than others.  They could be little challenges (like what to wear on those days that *nothing* looks good) or having to make a decision at work that could influence the rest of your career.  The only thing that matters is how you hold yourself during that moment.  Are you a lion or a lamb?  Do you take those steps, jump those hurdles, or do you stay meek and mild and then the world run right over you? 

There have been many times in volleyball that I/we had to decide if we were going to be lions or lambs and that can change the entire outcome of the game.  The first time we were at Nationals, we came up against this team that were Amazons.   Huge.  Ginormous.  They must have had 2 feet on us, easily. Watching them warm up, I could feel my panic and anxiety rising, trying to think how I was going to set my hitters so that they wouldn't get blocked all the time.  And when the game started, I told myself that this was not the time to back down, give up, get frustrated; this was the time to step up and show the world (ie the other team) what we were made of.  And we did.  We won.  

Same thing happened last week at volleyball.  We moved up a tier as we were top 2 in the tier we were originally in.  And I was scared of this move as we aren't a consistent enough team to stay at the top; we have no cohesiveness as a team (half the time I have no clue what is happening).  So moving up a tier, in my mind, we were going to get slaughtered.  But guess what - we didn't.  We pulled through.  Even though most of us had our doubts, we stood tall and strong and showed the other team that although we don't do the fancy hits or the complete coverage that we need, we are still a team of lions and won't back down.  

Work has thrown challenges at me, left right and center.  I don't mind the 'sink or swim' training method, but in certain situations.  Our first day at the jail for our internship, our training consisted of PREA (prison rape elimination act) and what to do if we were held hostage (which I would like to point out that a) they have never had a hostage situation before and b) that means that their whole plan of retrieving the hostages has never actually been implemented).  That was our training.  So the first day actually walking into a housing unit to go talk to the individuals, you had to be a lion.  You couldn't show fear or apprehension or panic.  You had to walk in, shoulders back, head high, and look like you had authority and that people had to listen to you (which is totally not me).  But being in the jail was not a place to be a lamb.  It was sink or swim - were the inmates going to walk all over me or was I going to be authoritative and stand my ground with them.  I gained a lot of self confidence working there, and that is one of the most amazing things I got out of working at the jail.  

Challenges make us stronger, wiser.  Would I be the person today if I never broke up with my ex? Absolutely not.  Would I be the person I am today if I never worked in an American jail?  Absolutely not.  Every challenge I have faced (and took head on) has only made me a better, stronger, more complete person.  

Moral of this blog: F*#k It and be a lion, not a lamb, when it comes to challenges.  Run with the giants and don't be a troll.    

Step outside your bubble - the world is a pretty fun place!!

I am the type of person that I don't like change - its panics me, causes anxiety and I feel like my whole life gets turned topsy-turvy.  And it could be the simple things, like walking to the bus stop.  If I go down a different road, I panic as I have now changed my normal routine.  I would be a serial killer's favorite victim as I do everything the same, no variety.  Yet I hate sameness.  I need variety, but change is too hard for me to handle.  And yes, you are reading the words of the person who has moved to a different country twice.  If that isn't the ultimate change, I don't know what is.  But that is a different change.  

That is a /crazy/fearless/"am I friggin stupid for doing this??!!"/ change.  

I have the word 'fearless' tattooed down my spine.  I would have never attributed that adjective to my personality, in fact it was probably at the opposite spectrum of the words I used to use to describe myself.  However, someone once thought it was worth mentioning that they saw me as 'fearless' and since then, it has been a way of life for me.  (But let's not confuse being fearless as not being afraid of anything - totally different.  And it is logical to be afraid of mascots.  I can still be fearless even though I am afraid of mascots.  Or butterflies).  Being fearless gives me that final push to do something that I would naturally shy away from and stay within my bubble.  

Like moving to the States.  Twice.  Without knowing a single soul where I was moving. Or knowing anything about where I was moving.   

I remember picking up my keys to my place in DC.  The rental agency people were a) flabbergasted and b) concerned when I told them I just landed from travelling from Alberta, Canada.  When they asked if I knew anybody or anything like that and I told them no, the look between them almost said 'this woman is crazy and she won't last a day here since she is so naive and green'.  I just smiled and told them that things will be alright and went on my merry way.  And I had to keep telling me that things were going to be okay the entire day as I had many of those moments when I asked myself 'what the fuck am I doing??!!' and I have never regretted that decision.  

Stepping outside your bubble is an amazing thing.  A hard thing, absolutely, but amazing.  And it can be in the simpliest of ways.  It can be letting people hear your real laughter or saying those puns that crack you up and laughing at your own puns.  Not being so prim and proper and stepping outside those societal rules (like talking about cannibalism or bestiality - not sure why I like those conversations...) I wear crazy socks at volleyball.  This week, I wore 3 different socks and people commented on them all night.  And I would smile when they said they loved my socks.  I looked so different compared to a lot of the players who just wore simple (boring) white socks.  I don't know many people who could rock the 3-different-sock look.    

Stepping outside your bubble can also mean being more independent.  When I first broke up with my ex, I didn't want to do anything on my own.  The prospect of going out to eat by myself had my anxiety through the roof.  But then I said fuck it, and decided that if I had to wait for people to do stuff with, I may never leave my house.  So I did it.  And guess what - I survived.  I didn't get kicked out for eating by myself.  Nobody made fun of me when I asked for a table for 1.  I didn't get people pointing, staring and laughing at me.  All those scenerios were in my head and not realistic.  Now, I love eating by myself.  I will bring my book and just enjoy the food, my book and the people around me.  You should not have to wait for people if you want to do something.  If I can do it, you can do it.  Trust me.  

I can completely understand the comforts of one's bubble as that used to be my zone and I would not stray from it.  But that first step I took outside my bubble, the world changed.  I changed.  And all for the better.  I started finding myself, my independence and being fearless.  And now my bubble, it is still there and ready for me whenever I need some calmness and quietness in my life, but I am finding that more and more, that bubble is shrinking and the world is getting bigger and bigger for all the possibilities, opportunities and experiences that are out there.  Sorry bubble, you can't compete with the world.  

Moral of this blog:  F*#k it and step outside your bubble.  Experience something new, something you have always wanted to do (unless it is bestiality or cannibalism, then I need to advise against it).  Your bubble will always be there but some experiences are a once in a lifetime.  Don't let your bubble hold you back.  

Dreams, their meanings and who the heck is directing these??!!

What is the purpose of dreams?  That is the universal question to which there is no answer.  Almost every web page, every article I have read about dreams, nobody knows the purpose or function of dreams.  You read certain theorists like Freud and Jung and they all have their own notions but it hasn't been figured scientifically why we dream.  This is actually a really neat website that explains dreams in a understandable way (http://www.howsleepworks.com/dreams_function.html) 

My dreams are normally bat-shit crazy. Like something Tim Burton would be directing.  Last night's dream was more realistic than normal but still bat shit crazy.  I will give you the cliff notes version of what happened in the dream: 

• I was in the ocean/swimming pool (kind of both) and swimming with dolphins but the dolphins either attacked me or something as I suddenly wasn't able to swim anymore and started half drowning but somebody was there to help me to the side of the pool (before I was in the ocean, now a pool) to hold me against the edge as help came (in a yacht style boat so now we are back to the ocean)
• They/EMT tried to revive me but I was unresponsible so they brought me onto the boat to have a doctor look at me 
• The doctor was a sadistic person apparently as he was wanting to do tests/experiments on me and I think he actually did 
• Suddenly I found myself in a house, responsive, but kind of locked away in a basement as I was sleeping on a mattress with a TV in the corner and I think people were trying to hide me from the sadistic doctor
• The sadistic doctor found me but my sister was also there and he took her instead so in order for me to free her I had to be injected with something that was going to make me unresponsive/fall into a coma and I kept fighting it as I didn't want that feeling again but I had no choice so I took it
• I then woke up

How crazy was that??!!  I mean seriously.  So then when I woke up, I decided to google what the meaning of dreaming of dolphins was since, in theory, they were the catalyst in my dream and what started off the entire sequence of events.  This is what I found on dolphins:

• a symbol of enjoyment and social connection 
• positive feelings and circumstances 
• connection, empathy and happiness 
• just made a strong, powerful connection with someone (new romantic partner or friend)
• chasing a dolphin signifies wanting to socialize more, to break their lonely, solitary cycle
• opened a line of communication between conscious and subconscious mind

What is not talked about is the dolphins basically a) giving people seizures or b) almost killing people.  So, what can we deduce from my dream?  

• my 'happiness' is paralyzing me, making me want to die
• my social engagement is killing me
• I am overwhelmed by positivity and cannot handle it 
• the thought of getting into a relationship causes great panic and anxiety 
• that my mind is trying to tell me something and I am ignoring it 

All the above sucks.  But maybe that is what my mind is telling me?  And if one wants to look deeper into it, it could all be true.  I find myself in a position in my life where I am not that happy - I am at a job I dislike and I am impeding myself from getting back into what I want to do.  I am truly paralyzing myself in this unhappiness.  I want to move on but I will feel guilty doing so.  I want to move on but it takes decisions and changes which I am uncomfortable with.  But, as in the end of my dream, maybe I have to do something that I dislike, something I am uncomfortable with, to get unparalyzed and save myself (or other people from my unhappiness).  BAM - just Freuded my dream!

So maybe the dream does have some significance in my life.  What does it tell me though?  To not go play with dolphins or to do something that will cause me to become unparalyzed?   And how do I do that?  Maybe another dream will help me with that.  

Moral of this blog:  F*#k it and stop paralyzing yourself, even if it means you need to take steps that you are uncomfortable with or that you feel will make other people unhappy.  You have to do what makes you happy as that is what is important.  

Let's start a movement where we can tell people something good that happened in our life and not have them think we are crazy

I find that most conversations we have nowadays is very superficial and blase.  It is almost like we give answers that we know people are looking for because a) they don't have the time to actually listen to what we are going to say b) they don't care what we are actually going to say or c) a combination of the above.  It happens all the time (I even did it this morning) - people say hi, how are you, while walking away, not giving the other person a chance to even answer the question.  Why? Because we live in a fast paced world.  We have places to go, people to schmooze, things to do.  Who has time to actually give a person a chance to tell you what is happening in their life? Nobody.  At least that is what it seems.  And I would like to change that.  

I think I would be a) absolutely shocked and b) pleasantly surprised if one of my coworkers came to work today and just out of the blue told me something wonderful that happened to them last night.  But will it ever happen? Absolutely not.  I almost want to start doing it and seeing if it catches on, kind of like a pay it forward sort of notion.  Pay your happiness forward, your good thoughts or feelings or experiences, your good things that happened to you.  

This is stemming from last night and this morning.  Last night was volleyball and we killed it.  It was the best night we have had since it started - we were playing as a team, people covering each other, laughing at the stupid mistakes and having globally stupid plays.  I laughed a lot and got some really hard digs up and served 16 points in a row.  I was so happy.  It was a fantabulous night.  I got to share the story at home as my cousin, her husband and I always ask each other how our days went and whatnot, so they usually ask me how volleyball goes (followed up with a 'did you hurt yourself tonight? - they will make sure wonderful parents).  So telling them I was all happy and animated and felt loved that somebody actually wanted to hear how the night went.  But coming to work this morning, nobody asked how my evening went - once we get to work, that is what we are here to do - work.  And it sucks.  

It also stemmed from the team and I sitting around afterwards, having a drink.  I got to know a lot about them then - all my previous conceptions I had about them were out the window - I learned they were married, divorced, had kids, their occupations, etc etc.  They learned I had a masters in forensic psychology, that I worked in a jail, that I watch my cousin-in-law play Destiny; it was a wonderful conversation.  I learned that a teammate and I have similar humour and remarks/comments and that they are overall a good bunch of people.  But if we never had those drinks, would I ever have learned that from them? Probably not.  I imagine it would be hard to have a conversation while on the court ("so how is it going at home since you have......GOT IT.......oohh good hit........gotten laid......SHORT......off" - probably wouldn't work so well).  How often do we actually get to know the people who we surround ourselves with?   

So I would like to change that.  Every day I am going to tell a person in my office (I would do it on the bus but there are some pretty bad weirdo's on there that I don't think I necessarily need to be telling my life to) and I will even post a positive on Facebook.  I think people should know and actually listen when you have something you want to share with the world.  We need to increase the amount of communication and happiness in the world.  

Moral of this blog:  F*#k it and make sure your voice is heard when you want people to know something about yourself.  You should not shy away from letting people get to know you and if it is something you are proud of or happy about, share it with the world.  

The night isn't complete until you get stepped on

I love volleyball.  If you know me, you will know that.  I have played since I can remember (so probably back since grade 6).  Once I started, I loved it and there was no turning back.  I was one of those crazy ones that played in school and then Alberta Volleyball Association so basically, almost, all year round.  Everyplace I move to, I try to join a volleyball league.  When I lived in DC, I played with NASA folks.  That was fun.  As a friend put it 'you are the superstar of the geek squad'.  You won't find me in a gym.  You won't find me running outside somewhere.  Nope, my exercise is volleyball.  Especially cause there are many a hot men who play volleyball.  That would be epic.  To meet a guy playing volleyball.  Tall.  Wonderfully awesome at playing.  He could be the power to my setter.  We could sit and talk for hours about our volleyball wounds and achievements.  And he wouldn't care that I look like a fate worse than death when I play because that is just how awesome he is.  

However, my body hates me for it.  After you have broken/sprained/injured as many parts on the body as I have, it slowly starts to say 'screw you, stop hurting us'.  Getting ready for volleyball is a process I call 'mummifying' myself as I have to wrap one knee, I have a tensor knee brace for the other, I have a tensor ankle brace for one ankle as well as have hard ankle braces for both ankles.  If there was something for my hip I would use that and now my should is starting to give me grief.  My fingers are all crooked and bent from spraining them so many times and guaranteed I lose a couple of toenails during the season.  So then why do you ask that I play the sport - BECAUSE I LOVE IT!!!  A friend once told me 'if you were a Dr. Seuss character, you would be the Sorax'.  Ha ha ha.  Very funny.  And now my cousin is starting to understand the plight - the one week when I was on my way home, I texted her (I was the passenger, not the driver) asking if they had any frozen veggies.  Her first response 'is it for a body part?'  Maybe I was just hungry......

So when I moved back to Calgary for the umpteenth time, I joined the same volleyball league I have always played in while living here and I found a team right off the bat.  They are always looking for girls as you need to have two girls on the court at all times so we are a rare commodity.  But there is always that initial hesitation of wondering 'am I not going to be good enough to play with them' 'am I going to be better than them' (that thought hardly, if ever, crosses my mind), 'am I going to be too loud for them' (that thought crosses my mind in almost ever situation I find myself in) and 'how badly am I going to injure myself this season'.  But it usually always turns out to be wonderful and awesome.   

I have been playing since September 23 and I can tell you that every game I have played, I have been stepped on at least once.  Whether it be going up to block and getting landed on, going to set a ball and somebody *kindly* stepping in to take the ball for me, diving somewhere and not getting out of the way fast enough, you get the picture.  At least once per night another body is contacting my body. Or my body is hitting the ground.  When I was playing the grass league in DC, a couple of friends came to watch and my one friend said 'every time I looked up, you were dirtier and dirtier, yet the rest of your team clean'.  That is commitment yo! And no, volleyball is not supposed to be a contact sport.  Unless you are playing with me.  Then you better watch out.  Cause I run into everything - body or metal.  Or wall.  Nothing is off limits.  

The team I play with are so fun.  We are competitive yet have fun on the court.  Not Russian style of volleyball at all (you let the ball drop you get shot).  The ball drops and I am usually laughing at something.  I don't know how to explain it - it is kind of like you have to be there to watch and understand.  There is a guy I play with, if the ball isn't anywhere near the net for the power or middle, he thinks it is for back row and will come guns a blazing to hit it.  Into the net.  Almost 90% of the time.  And then usually a body is on the ground as front row doesn't get out of his way.  Or sometimes I will just burst into laughter as if I throw the ball to the person serving, I will envision hitting somebody in the head with it (I am not a violent person at all but I find it most funny when people get hit with stuff).  They also have the most bizarre of conversations in between plays.  And during plays.  And highly inappropriate statements that just makes the evening all the more better.  That makes you laugh and blush all at the same time.  I like them.  They are a good bunch of people.  

Volleyball is the one place life doesn't exist and whether we win or lose, it is a fun time.  It is also the one area of my life I feel that I succeed at and can give it my all and get rewarded for it.  The feeling I have when I set the perfect ball and the power kills it right into the ground, *sigh* it is heavenly.  And in those plays that I find myself on the ground, curling into the fetal position to stop getting landed on, or am running hell bent to get a stray ball, I love those moments.  Makes me feel like I am doing something and helping out.  I go balls to the walls.  No holds bar.  Anything goes.  And my body does not agree.  

Moral of this blog:  F*#k It and if you are going to get stepped on, make it count and laugh it off.  In any aspect of your life.  Not just volleyball.  

Who let this woman have a blog about anything? This may be anarchy! Mayhem! But also very entertaining.....

Hello all and welcome to the first posting of my new blog (I also have another blog detailing all my adventures while going to school and working down in the States but since that is put on hiatus for a moment, figured I would start up a new one.  If you want to read the adventures down in the states, that blog is http://nebraskaantics.blogspot.com If you start from the end, you will find yourself at the beginning).  

Why a new blog you may ask?  I am trying to figure that out myself.  I have heard more than once that I should write a book but I don't think I could be diligent enough to write out an entire book.  All at once.  The good thing about a blog is that eventually it may be the amount of a book but written sporadically and with no rhyme or reason.  At least that is how this one is going to go.  I don't think I have lived an exciting life enough to write a book - I mean I haven't traveled anywhere exotic or exciting, hell I have never even crossed an ocean.  So maybe it is because of my thoughts or ideas or experiences that I choose to have that makes people think I have enough of a foundation to write a book.  Not entirely sure.  I am pretty sure that those people are crazy though.  And I can say that since I have a masters in forensic psychology (something I will not let you forget).  

So, let me introduce myself.  I am born and raised Albertan but recently have found myself down in the States for school and work and one day I will make my way back down there.  I have my masters in forensic psychology, bachelor in arts with a major in psychology, minor in sociology and a legal assistant diploma.  If it has to do with the law and one's mental health, I am all over that like white on rice.  Or just your mental health.  I love peoples' minds.  I could spend hours trying to understand it.  If they will let me.  It is hard to go about one's everyday life without having the psych brain turned on.  And most people don't appreciate it when you psychoanalyze them without their consent.  Don't do it.  It isn't nice.  Unless they are friggin crazy, then analyze away as they probably won't know what is happening.  

I also have a bit of an imagination and a crazy mind.   Sometimes I wish I was living my life like I see in the movies.  Sometimes I wish I was living my life like the way I envision it in my mind.  Guaranteed, those ways are not how reality plays out.  Probably for the best.  I come up with crazy ideas and notions and picture situations going down differently than what they actually are.   For example - I got into law because of Ally McBeal.  Hint - don't pick life choices based on TV or movies.  They lie.  Horribly.  Growing up I used to read romance novels and from there I decided I wanted to be a mistress.  Feasible occupation - not at all.  Does it actually exist?  Not at all.  But one has to roll with the punches and live their life based on reality and some days that is impossibly hard.  Reality can suck sometimes and hopefully this blog will cheer up your reality whenever you need a crazy escape.  I will be that crazy for you.  I'm nice like that. 

I love music.  In most conversations, I will have a song play throughout my head based on what has been said.  Like a continuous jukebox going on up there.  I think my life would be very sad and lonely if I wasn't constantly hearing music.  And not in the sense that I am crazy and hallucinating music.  I know I hear it in my head and I know that it isn't real and that nobody else can hear it.  If they can then they are crazy. And I would like to get to know them better.  

I like being me.  I like the ideas and notions and experiences I have.  I love the way my mind works.  I can have an hour long conversation regarding the hibernation habits of ladybugs or talk about the finer points of bestiality (bet you never thought there were finer points to bestiality).  I have lived enough of my life being somebody I am not, trying to appease everybody by being somebody completely not me, so screw it.  You will read and learn through these wonderful postings about me.  And I hope you enjoy it as I think I am pretty awesome.   

Moral of this blog:  F*#k It and just be yourself.  Or an albatraoz.  Whatever floats your boat.