Tuesday, April 5, 2016

It's Not That I Am Afraid of Commitment, It is More Like I Am More Concerned For My Happiness

I have heard from a couple of people that I have commitment issues.  And I wouldn't necessarily disagree with them.  But the way I see it, 

Now granted I haven't done extensive travelling around the world or anything like that.  Not like my sister.  But I keep having this uneasy feeling that I haven't settled where I should just yet and am waiting for the next opportunity to pack up and head elsewhere.  I am pretty sure, hopefully, that once I do find that stopping point, it will feel right to make some roots.  But at the moment, I am far from that feeling.  I mean, I still have most of my stuff in boxes; I refuse to unpack just in case I move away somewhere.  

A couple weeks/months ago, we had our service awards at work (as previously mentioned in a past post).  And it got me to thinking about what speech my lawyer would give to me as the trend is to speak of the journey that employee went on to get to where they are now.  So, *clears throat* this is how I envision my speech to go:

Ashley started in law a long time ago, back in 2002, when she couldn't decide what she wanted to do and decided on law because of Ally McBeal.  Her first of many wrong decisions she would make in her life.  Originally, her and her boyfriend were to move to Calgary and she got her practicum placement at Law Firm 1 (I am not going to mention all the names of the firms since I have left most of them due to them being really crappy places to work), but, like most things she does in her life, Ashley decided at the last moment that moving to Calgary wasn't in the best interests and quickly, hurridly and panickly, found a placement in Red Deer.  She went to work and sooner than she realized, she hated it.  However, she got hired on and felt proud as maybe she finally found her career.  But that was a very short lived feeling.  After a couple of months of being hired on, she was let go as work was slow.  After that, she had some career crises which lead her to applying at Red Deer College in their kinesiology program, which she got accepted into, but decided that she was going to keep pursuing her legal assistant career, for some, strange, stupid reason.  Following that, she found a job in Sylvan Lake as a receptionist as she decided that being a legal assistant wasn't for her.  After some time being a receptionist, a legal assistant position opened up with a lawyer she had respect for, so she took it.  Being his legal assistant was wonderful as she was actually doing work on the file.  However, the law firm itself was full of politics and corruption so she decided to leave.  She quickly found another job in Red Deer and within a couple of months at that job, she found a job at a different law firm in Red Deer. After a couple of months at that law firm, her and her boyfriend decided to move to Calgary.  Once she arrived in Calgary, she found a job at a law firm and started working there.  And realized, once again, how much she hated being a legal assistant.  So, after quitting that job, she became a temporary assistant with a placement agency and this seemed to appease her.  After a short while, she decided she wanted something more permanent and found a job at a law firm.  Again, she found something she enjoyed doing but she didn't see eye-to-eye with management and subsequently quit.  It was at this time she decided that she was going to go back to school for psychology.  When she returned to Calgary after finishing her two years at a college for university transfer, she found a law firm job to work at during the summers and holidays and stuck around after she had graduated from University of Calgary with her psychology degree.  However, she soon decided that she wanted to move on to get her masters and quit her job.  Without thinking.  As she realized that getting into a masters program would take time, she found another law firm job to bide her time getting into a masters program.  Once she was accepted into a masters program, she quit her job and moved away.  She lived in the United States off and on for the past three years until the country deported her, and now she is back with us.  And we are happy she is with us.  And the pool is up to $1,000 to see how long she lasts this time"
Now maybe it won't be word for word, but you get the gist.  

Is that a lot of moving around? Yes.  Does it look good on a resume? Absolutely not.  Did I learn something from each place I worked at? Hell yes.  From the first law firm, I learned I didn't like working in law firms.  From the second law firm, I learned I didn't like working in places that politics runs the show.  Etc etc.  Each place, each time I moved on, I took a lesson from that place and figured out how to apply it in my life.  I don't regret all my choices in moving and changing jobs.  Because if I stuck it out in places I dislike because I need to "commit", I would have never experienced everything I have done.  If I listened to family and friends when they said "this is what you choose, you have to make the most of it" I would never gone to get my masters and worked in a jail and found something I was passionate about.   I believe that I will not fear commitment once I find that *thing* that will keep me grounded.  As that groundedness will lead to happiness.  Which is what I am constantly seeking.  

And that *thing* could be anything.  It could be a job.  A place.  A person.  A hobby.  Who knows.  I don't look at just one thing in my life, I look at everything.  I was with my ex for 6 years.  Now that is commitment.  Especially being unhappy for, oh, lets say, 4 of those years.  Seriously, if that isn't commitment, what is?  Well, actually, that is stupidity.  But, back then, I told myself that since that is the path I choose, I had to make the most of it. And the day I left him, that was the hardest day of my life.  I thought my life was over.  Do I regret leaving him?  I won't lie - some days I do as I think that I will never find another guy like him who put up with my moods and craziness.  But then I give my head a shake because I wasn't happy, regardless of what he put up with.  And I deserve that happiness.  

However, I went in the completely opposite direction.  The idea of settling down with a person, living in a house, cooking, being "domesticated" frightens me.  I need to find a middle point somewhere, a happy balance.  And maybe that is why I am apprehensive of getting into a relationship again, because I don't want to a) leave on a whim because I see a squirrel or b) stay in it because I don't want people to label me a commitmentphobe.  I honestly do believe that one day I may meet a guy who will be a game changer, who will cause those feelings of settling down and making roots something that is appealing to me and doesn't make me want to curl up in the fetal position and cry.  I keep my mind open to that chance.  And I think it is when you find that person, that situation, that job, that makes you want to feel committed to whatever it is, it won't feel like a chore or a job or a punishment to do same.  

But lets look at some positive things in my life that has stuck - I am committed to playing volleyball, even when I have a bum hip or weak ankles or any pain in my body.  I am committed to cross stitching even when I think I picked the worst pattern ever and it will take me years, YEARS, to finish what I started.  I am committed to watching really bad movies or tv shows because I have started it.  I am committed to my craziness.  I am committed to finding a pair of shoes that don't kill my feet.  I do have aspects in my life that I am committed to and those aspects are the ones that make me happy.  So then, I ask you, why would I be committed to something that makes me unhappy?

We only get one life.  One.  Try to experience everything you can in that one life.  Don't weigh yourself down to something, someone, who will make you miserable and unhappy for that life just because you want to appear "committed" to something.  That is such a horrible word.  I think it should be stricken from the english language.  It makes people panic and do things they may not ordinarly do.  Like stay in an unhappy relationship.  Or stay in a miserable job.    

Moral of this blog:  F*#k it and don't let commitment weigh you down in life.  Be committed to your happiness as that is all that matters in this one life we live.