Thursday, March 3, 2016

When Change Can Induce Anxiety and Heartattacks

As I have mentioned before, I dislike change.  But I also dislike monotony. 

This sums it up fairly well for me.  

However, in the span of life, you have to roll with the punches, climb the mountains, jump the hurdles and stop and smell the roses.  The world will throw curveballs your way and you have to decide if you are going to get hit by the ball, bunt it, flyball it or hit a freaking home run.  (Those were two amazingly awesome idioms by the way).  Will you become a prisoner to monotony or will you punch it in the face?  

I know my line as to when to accept change and when to leave things alone.  It is a fine line.  Some days I am pretty sure it is invisible but other days I know that line and when I have to accept change or when I can stand up and tell it to bugger off.  I will admit that I can be OCD about lots of things.  And I recognize this.  If I am not at least 15-20 minutes early for volleyball, I think I am late and panic.  If I am not at least 30 minutes early for work, I automatically think the day is going to hell and I will be flustered all day.   If I take the same route to and from where ever I am going and there is a detour, I feel lost.  And when it comes to work, oh boy, I need to tamper that OCD big time.  If another lawyer helps out with a reporting letter but does it differently, I am like 'what the fuck' in my head as in my head, they did it completely wrong and I will have to spend more time fixing the formatting and making it like the way we do our letters.  Or how documents are saved.  I internally (and probably outwardly) cringe when I see something different on my files when other people help.  Change in this sense is very difficult for me to accept.  

I recently cut off about 10 inches of my hair and got it coloured purple and blue and magenta.  HUGE change for me and for everyone around me.  It shocked almost everyone.  And it was a drastic change.  But it wasn't as drastic as making a sex tape or quitting my job and becoming a stripper.  Which I would totally do if I had the body for it. But that is beside this point.   And when people ask me 'what prompted you to do that?' I tell them "I needed a change".  And trust me people, this change is the least drastic change compared to the other changes I have done in my life, such as a) breaking up with my boyfriend of 6 years kind of out of the blue; b) moving to the States.  Twice.; c) quitting my job and going to school; d) quitting my job and going to a different job.  This change is tame compared to those changes.  And this change was amazing as I have had people compliment on the train, riding the elevators, at volleyball, almost everywhere I go someone tells me how great my hair looks.  And that is pretty fucking awesome.  It lets me feel more like the exuberant, kooky person that I am that I feel like I need to hide.  Which I don't.  Because the world should be able to see it.  

Change will sometimes slap you in the face though but don't let this deter you from doing something different.  I used to not like stepping out of my boundary when it came to food.  I would order what I knew because then I wouldn't a) go hungry b) feel bad for not eating something that I don't like or c) feel anxiety about trying to figure out what to order.  Lately, I will order things that I used to not.  Or try different foods that I never gave a chance before.  Sometimes it isn't exactly what I like or want but now I know.  Prime example is working as a legal assistant.  There are some people who would have stuck out being a legal assistant because it is what they were doing and they didn't want to venture out and try something else.  The fear of the unknown.  But I decided to punch change in the face and make it my bitch.  And the moment I did that, I felt more like myself.  And that is the ultimate goal (for me at least).  

The change can be something simple to something life altering.  For me, it tends to be life altering (if you are going to do something, go balls to the walls).  And for the most part, I don't regret any change that I did.  And this is another lesson to be learned when it comes to change - don't ever regret it because a) you did it for a reason and b) you got something out of it that you wouldn't have if you didn't do the change in the first place.  The catalyst of change for me was when I lost my virginity (Ma, I apologize now for this).  It changed my life.  It changed me, my outlook on life, my outlook on myself.  And like most people have unique losing-their-virginity-stories, so do I and I wouldn't change it at all because it has made me the person I am today and I wouldn't want to be anybody but me.  I don't regret that decision whatsoever.  And regret is something hard for people to not give credence to.  Society frowns on change.  It wants stability.  Conformity.  And people can get into that mentality so when they step foot out of that normality/conformity, they may feel regret instantly.  Well, like change, punch that regret in the face.  Make it your bitch.  Don't get in to it. Because it will only bring you down.  Make you feel crappy.  Be proud that you did something different.  Be proud that you make a change.  Be proud that you decided to take a step in a direction for you and for you alone.  

Moral of this blog:  F*#k it and don't be a prisoner of monotomy.  Make a change.  Surprise people.  Induce heartattacks.  Hold no regrets over anything.  

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