When Change Can Induce Anxiety and Heartattacks

As I have mentioned before, I dislike change.  But I also dislike monotony. 

This sums it up fairly well for me.  

However, in the span of life, you have to roll with the punches, climb the mountains, jump the hurdles and stop and smell the roses.  The world will throw curveballs your way and you have to decide if you are going to get hit by the ball, bunt it, flyball it or hit a freaking home run.  (Those were two amazingly awesome idioms by the way).  Will you become a prisoner to monotony or will you punch it in the face?  

I know my line as to when to accept change and when to leave things alone.  It is a fine line.  Some days I am pretty sure it is invisible but other days I know that line and when I have to accept change or when I can stand up and tell it to bugger off.  I will admit that I can be OCD about lots of things.  And I recognize this.  If I am not at least 15-20 minutes early for volleyball, I think I am late and panic.  If I am not at least 30 minutes early for work, I automatically think the day is going to hell and I will be flustered all day.   If I take the same route to and from where ever I am going and there is a detour, I feel lost.  And when it comes to work, oh boy, I need to tamper that OCD big time.  If another lawyer helps out with a reporting letter but does it differently, I am like 'what the fuck' in my head as in my head, they did it completely wrong and I will have to spend more time fixing the formatting and making it like the way we do our letters.  Or how documents are saved.  I internally (and probably outwardly) cringe when I see something different on my files when other people help.  Change in this sense is very difficult for me to accept.  

I recently cut off about 10 inches of my hair and got it coloured purple and blue and magenta.  HUGE change for me and for everyone around me.  It shocked almost everyone.  And it was a drastic change.  But it wasn't as drastic as making a sex tape or quitting my job and becoming a stripper.  Which I would totally do if I had the body for it. But that is beside this point.   And when people ask me 'what prompted you to do that?' I tell them "I needed a change".  And trust me people, this change is the least drastic change compared to the other changes I have done in my life, such as a) breaking up with my boyfriend of 6 years kind of out of the blue; b) moving to the States.  Twice.; c) quitting my job and going to school; d) quitting my job and going to a different job.  This change is tame compared to those changes.  And this change was amazing as I have had people compliment on the train, riding the elevators, at volleyball, almost everywhere I go someone tells me how great my hair looks.  And that is pretty fucking awesome.  It lets me feel more like the exuberant, kooky person that I am that I feel like I need to hide.  Which I don't.  Because the world should be able to see it.  

Change will sometimes slap you in the face though but don't let this deter you from doing something different.  I used to not like stepping out of my boundary when it came to food.  I would order what I knew because then I wouldn't a) go hungry b) feel bad for not eating something that I don't like or c) feel anxiety about trying to figure out what to order.  Lately, I will order things that I used to not.  Or try different foods that I never gave a chance before.  Sometimes it isn't exactly what I like or want but now I know.  Prime example is working as a legal assistant.  There are some people who would have stuck out being a legal assistant because it is what they were doing and they didn't want to venture out and try something else.  The fear of the unknown.  But I decided to punch change in the face and make it my bitch.  And the moment I did that, I felt more like myself.  And that is the ultimate goal (for me at least).  

The change can be something simple to something life altering.  For me, it tends to be life altering (if you are going to do something, go balls to the walls).  And for the most part, I don't regret any change that I did.  And this is another lesson to be learned when it comes to change - don't ever regret it because a) you did it for a reason and b) you got something out of it that you wouldn't have if you didn't do the change in the first place.  The catalyst of change for me was when I lost my virginity (Ma, I apologize now for this).  It changed my life.  It changed me, my outlook on life, my outlook on myself.  And like most people have unique losing-their-virginity-stories, so do I and I wouldn't change it at all because it has made me the person I am today and I wouldn't want to be anybody but me.  I don't regret that decision whatsoever.  And regret is something hard for people to not give credence to.  Society frowns on change.  It wants stability.  Conformity.  And people can get into that mentality so when they step foot out of that normality/conformity, they may feel regret instantly.  Well, like change, punch that regret in the face.  Make it your bitch.  Don't get in to it. Because it will only bring you down.  Make you feel crappy.  Be proud that you did something different.  Be proud that you make a change.  Be proud that you decided to take a step in a direction for you and for you alone.  

Moral of this blog:  F*#k it and don't be a prisoner of monotomy.  Make a change.  Surprise people.  Induce heartattacks.  Hold no regrets over anything.  

Another Birthday, Another Year, Another Chance to Kick Ass

As you all know, or now you will all know, I dislike birthdays.  For many different reasons.  But bottom line - I dislike birthdays.  Not all birthdays.  Just my birthday.  I would rather celebrate unbirthdays.  

Let me list the reasons why I dislike birthdays:

1. I am not comfortable being the center of attention (maybe also why I have no inclination to ever getting married)
2. When I was 12, my mom asked me what I wanted for my birthday.  I told her I wanted a watch but she was trying to persuade me to get these magic sticks of some sort but me being stubborn, I wanted a watch.  So we went to Lloyd and I picked out the watch I wanted, got it and I was happy.  But then that night, I heard Mom and Dad having a huge fight and in my mind, I attributed it to the fact that I got the watch and not the magic sticks.  
3. The more I get older, the more I realize I haven't done what I want to do, what I think I *should* be doing or happy with the life I have lived.  

 But over the years the above has changed.  Let me list why things have changed:

1. I still don't like being the center of attention.  That won't change.  But being around friends, people who know you and will not have you the center of attention, that makes it more bearable.  Friends who won't tell restaurants it is your birthday, make you sit at the head of the table, those types of things.  
2. I realize that I did not single handedly break up my parents because I choose a watch for my birthday.  I have had my psych training and am in a position to counsel people who feel the same way I do regarding divorced parents.  But when I was 12, I didn't have that training.  I wasn't able to see beyond what was happening.  However, it took me a long time to be able to process and understand what was really happening and not blame myself for the dissolution of their marriage.  A long time it took.  I won't lie - some days I still look back and think I was a contributor but not the main reason. 
3. Who cares what I haven't done, or that I am not doing what I *should* be doing (as in the eyes of society) and I should be damn proud and happy about the life I have lived.  I shouldn't be comparing my life to anyone else's as it is my life, not theirs.  

I especially have trouble with the third one.  I constantly compare myself with others and the lives they are leading compared to mine.  For example - most people I went to school with are in committed relationships, have families, own a house, have something stable in my life.  The stability I have - my insanity.  But the type of lifestyle I lead is one that takes me whenever, where ever.  If I got a call tomorrow from some place in the States, saying they would sponsor me for a greencard/work visa, I would move in a heartbeat.  If I looked online today and applied for a job in my psych field and they offered me a job, I would take it in a heartbeat.  I would move to Iqualuit if there was a job up there for me.  Basically - I have no stability.  I have no foundations, no roots keeping me anywhere.  I don't have a guy holding me to one place, I don't own a home (in fact I try to find places that don't require leases).  My family is understanding of me moving where ever (at least in my mind I think they are understanding about it all).  But at 32, is that the way I should be living my life?  FUCK YEAH.  Why?  Cause it is my life.  Would I be happy and content living in one place, knowing that I will be there for a long time, being grounded (aka - stuck)?  Probably not.  As my cousin put it - I have commitment issues.  However, I have life commitment issues.  And because of that, I cannot and should not compare my life with others.  It is like comparing apples and fish.  

I am happy with the life I have lead and can only imagine what else is in store for me.  It could mean another move to the US.  It will hopefully mean getting back into the psych side of my life.  Maybe getting my doctorate.  Who knows?? The point is that I have a lot of life still to live and a plethora of experiences yet to experience.  I shouldn't look back and think of all the things I haven't done as that doesn't mean they still can't happen.  I shouldn't get hampered down by society, by people around me and my own thoughts.  I need to be happy with what I have and what I still aspire to have.  I have a roof over my head, a job, food in my fridge, good friends, my health and family that loves and supports me.  That is a pretty fucking awesome life if I can say so myself.  And I am only 32.  Seems old as fuck but I still have a lot of life ahead of me.  So I need to embrace that and not worry about anything else.  As Timon would say - hakuna matata.  

Moral of this Blog - F*#k it and embrace your age and your experiences and the fact that you have more years ahead of you to be happy and be yourself.  Don't compare yourself to others because you are you and you will live the life you want.  

Spend Your Life Doing What You Love

We are at work moreso than any other aspect of our life.  Actually that is a lie.  I know #mathishard but if you account for not sleeping or anything, we aren't at work more than anything.  If there is 24 hours in a day (well not if because there is), that is 168 hours a week.  And I am at work for 40 of those hours.  Some weeks way more than that.  Which equals to 23% of my life per week at work.  But then take into account sleeping.  If you get 8 hours of sleep (who does that by the way??!!) you are now down to 112 hours a week you are awake.  So now you are at work 35% of the time. Seems like kind of a small number but if you hate what you do, that 35% feels like 135% of your time.  And then you will hate life.  And hating life is not a good way to life.  Trust me.  I have been there.  I hated it.  I hated life and I hated the fact that I hated life.  And when that hate got to the point of it actually becoming maladaptive to my life, I made a change.  Easy to type, not easy to do.  But I decided that if I was going to have to work for the rest of my life, it was going to be something that would actually make me want to get out of bed and do.

I completely turned my life 180, went back to school, got my masters and found something that I was passionate about.  But more on that below.  

I am not your typical office worker.  I listen to music.  Music with swear words.  I swear.  Quite often.  I have stuffed animals at my desk.  I lose any and all professionalism I have after 3pm.  I have questionably inappropriate conversations with people via email and telephone conversations.  I don't wait for someone to tell me what to do (people not doing what they need to do without people telling them to do it is quite common), even if I have no clue what I am doing (me not knowing what I am doing is also quite common).  However, I used to not be like this.  I used to be your prim and proper office worker.  And I hated it.  And it hated me and ate away at my personality and happiness.  So I decided to say fuck it and be me at the workplace.  And if I am not as professional as they want me to be, then that isn't a place for me.  

One of my interviews at a law firm, they asked me if I could describe myself using 3 adjectives.  I used the comfortable, nothing wrong with them answers of responsible, punctual and kooky.  One lawyer I used to work for, when asked to describe me, said 'fearless'.  And that has stuck ever since.  But again, not the word I would have used prior to this knowledge.  But it has been a part of me ever since.  However, I have learned that even though I feel like I have a fearless disposition, it doesn't come across as much as I would like it to/it should.  When I worked at the jail, my supervisor told me that after my interview, she was worried about hiring me as she didn't think I was cut out for working in the jail.  And I pleasantly surprised her in showing her that I could hack it.  But that showed me that I need to show my skills, personality and fearlessness right off the bat and go in guns a blazing.  No holds bar.  Make people aware of my mad skills right from the get go.  And that is what I did when I worked in Nebraska and I think it helped me make all the wonderful friendships and relationships that I did while I was there.  

I have learned that there are many places that aren't right for me.  Before I had kind of a life epiphany, work and I had a tumultuous relationship.  Tumultuous in the way that if I had a bad day,  my mind instantly went to the thought of quitting.  That was my go-to.  Especially in law firms.  But those are a different breed in and of itself.  I would rarely make my three months as I couldn't last that long.  Which means I have had many jobs in my life.  Many many.  Let me list them for you:

• KFC worker
• Caretaker at a college
• Hallmark associate 
• Dennys waitress 
• Bartender
• Legal assistant (9 law firms and 1 temp agency)
• Worker in a golf pro shop 
• Receptionist at a school 
• Jack of all trades (plumbing/heating)
• Therapist in a jail 
• Therapist in a community based setting 

But as I grew up, I realized that as an adult, I would have bad days.  I would have those days where I really hated my job and had no energy to do the work.  But guess what - that is life.  You learn by overcoming those days.  You learn what helps you cope those days.  Me, I put on an upbeat song.  I take a walk and get coffee. I go talk with the gals in accounting or corporate and just get away from my desk and reset myself.  And tell myself that tomorrow is a new day.  I know I am not doing what I want to be doing but I am making the best out of what I am in at the moment, knowing that eventually I will be doing what I want to be doing and knowing that goal is in the future, makes the day easier to handle.  

By far, bartender and therapist have been my favorite.  Which makes sense as people say that bartenders are therapists.  And I completely agree.  But I would go back to jail in a heartbeat.  To be a therapist.  No other reason.  I loved it.  I found my niche, I found where my heart is passionate about.  I found what I was good at.  I have so many amazing memories from working in the jail.  Here is one of my favorite.  

It was during one of my anger management groups.  We were talking about how to prepare oneself if they are going to go into a situation where anger may be a result.  So for an example, I told them that when I need to go into meetings or discussions where I feel that I may become frustrated or angry, I bring in a cup of tea with me as that is a calming thing for me.  So then I asked them to think of something they could do to avoid anger getting the best of them.  There was a long pause and one guy said 'yo Miss Ashley, I got one.  Instead of bringing the gun into the club, I could just leave it in my car'.   In my head, I laughed.   I talked about tea, they talked about guns.  Lesson there for me - know your audience.  But I was very happy and proud that he was able to make that connection.  And he was proud.  And it was a glorious day for me.  

I wish someone was able to see me interact with the individuals at the jail.  To see me do something that I feel so passionate about.  I think when you see that in person, it resonates so much more deeply inside of you.  I was lucky enough to see my sister do the work she does, which was very helpful because when she first got into the industry she is in, I was so confused on what she actually did.  But then I got to see her in action and it was unlike anything I see on a daily basis.  She loves what she does.  And she didn't even like that aspect of her job that she was doing that day.  But when I was watching her, I could tell that this was a passion.  And then watching people take pictures of her work and go up to her and thank her for her contributions and talk to her about her job and roles, I was in awe.  Because she is doing what she loves.  She is doing what she has a passion for.  And it took her some time to get there.  Which I completely understand.  What most people don't understand, people who haven't ever made a 180 change in their life, is that you can't just quit one job for another.  It isn't that simple.  It takes time, planning, perseverance, and patient.  And you will find resistance from people.  But that is where the perseverance comes in.  I could have stayed a legal assistant the rest of my life.  I could have been unhappy the rest of my life.  I could have made my stable paycheque, kept my stable job.  But I would have been unhappy.  And that is the key here.  Happiness means more to me than having a "stable" job.  And I think my sister felt the same way when she did her change.  It wasn't about the notoriety of being in the position that we were in.  It wasn't about the paycheque we knew was coming in.  What we were doing was not making us happy so we decided to do something about it.  Again, very hard to do but it is possible.  

I am happy for all the experiences I have had in my working life.  I have learned so much about myself and what I am capable of.  And for that I am grateful for trying new things, seeing what I am capable of and letting myself flourish in atmospheres that foster that.  One day I will get back to being a therapist.  I know it.  I will make it happen. 

Moral of this blog:  F*#k it and do the thing that makes you happy.  Even if it means flipping your life 180 and doing something you never thought you could do.  Find your happiness. Be happy with what you do.  

Be the Awesome, Amazing, Badass Person that You Are.

The very first line of the book Gone With the Wind is "Scarlett O'Hara was not beautiful, but men seldom realized it when caught by her charm as the Tarleton twins were". However, if you watched the movie, the actress they got to portray Scarlett is/was gorgeous.  So if that was how Margaret Mitchell portrayed Scarlett in the book, how come Hollywood didn't portray her as such in the film?  

Because society sucks when it comes to looks.  Plain and simple. 

I grew up with 2 older sisters who are gorgeous.  And skinny/fit.  And then there is me.  Who is none of the above.  And you know what, most days, I am okay with that.  Those days that I am not okay with it, well those are tough days.  Especially when we live in a superficial society.  If you don't belong to a gym/workout, you have a mark against you.  If you are in the double digits for clothing size, you have a mark against you.  If you like eating, you have a mark against you.  If you have no thigh gap, you have a mark against you.  (These are all things that have arised from living in Calgary - not saying the rest of the world is like this).  And I am highly skeptical of those guys out there who say they like curvy women because I have a feeling when push comes to shove, if there was a skinny woman and a curvy woman standing in front of them, they would pick the skinny woman.  Which is okay.  Just don't say you like curvy woman.  Sympathy is not going to do any good.  It almost feels like pity.  And I don't want or need pity for the way I look.  If you don't like the way I look that is fine because it means you don't get any of my awesomeness.  And I am pretty awesome.  

It is hard going through life not feeling attractive.  And when people tell you 'if you exude confidence/attractiveness, then you will feel it' but how can you exude it if you don't know what it feels like?  I will admit it - my self esteem/self confidence could use a make over, but it is getting better.  It is a lot better than what it used to be.  Why? Because I just don't give a fuck anymore.  Plain and simple.  Growing up, I was teased/bullied about my looks; I was called fat and ugly and worthless.  One person even told me that I shouldn't be alive because nobody would ever want me.  Guys would 1) comment on how pretty/attractive my sisters are and then 2) give me the side eye and either walk away or (and some guys actually had the balls to do this) ask me why I wasn't as pretty as they were.  Hearing that time and time again, it starts wearing you down.  And then you start questioning people who do think you are attractive.  Or you start finding it hard to take a compliment because they are so few and far between.  And you start looking at yourself in the mirror as what people have told you what you are.  Ugly.  Unattractive.  Fat.  Worthless.  

But no more.  Why?  Because I just don't care.  I don't want to be one of those girls who spends an hour getting ready in the morning.  I don't want to feel the need to have to wear makeup or make sure my hair is perfect in order to attract guys or leave the house in the morning.  I feel pretty when I don't wear makeup or when the hair is up in a messy bun or when the hair is in complete disarray of curls.  If I meet a guy and I am wearing makeup and whatnot, in the morning, when I wake up, I pull the coyote ugly look and that will never change.  He doesn't need that type of shock to the system that early in the morning.  The way I see it, if I find a guy who likes me for what I look like when I am just plain ol' me, I will knock his socks off when I actually do put effort into my looks.  But I really don't see why I need to do that from the getgo.  What would he be in love with then - me or the masked me?  Would he start loving me less if I wore make up less and less?  Seriously, what type of love is that?    

As I have gotten older, I have learned which people to surround myself with. Not the assholes, idiots, or stupidheads of the world.  Not the self obsessed, absorbed or superficial people of the world.  I know I could never land a Brad Pitt, a David Beckam or a Channing Tatum.  So why bother trying and letting myself feel like an unattractive failure in the meantime.  I surround myself with people who appreciate me for me.  I have met a couple of guys who have outwardly told me that I shouldn't lose any weight because what I am is perfect (in their eyes) and that makes me feel wonderful to hear.  When I have met some guys who have been with size 0's but choose to spend time with me instead, I feel like I am walking on a cloud.  There needs to be more people like that out there.  I am not a size zero.  I am not even a size 10.  I have hips.  I have boobs.  I have crazy hair that does what it wants and doesn't want to be controlled.  I don't wear makeup.  I get acne (still - *shakes fist at acne*).  It doesn't mean that I am fat.  It doesn't mean that I am unattractive.  It doesn't mean I am unhealthy.  It just means that there is a lot more of my awesomeness and I look like me and not somebody I am trying to be.    

So don't ever let anyone tell you that you are fat or unattractive or worthless.  Don't ever let anyone make you think you less than what you are.  It is a horrible feeling and nobody should have that power over you.  Be you. Be whatever you you are and be happy and proud of that.  

My suggestion - do either one of these every day: 

or 

Moral of this blog:  F*#k It and love yourself, all of yourself, every aspect of yourself. Don't listen to the stupidheads out there who put you down because they are stupidheads.  Plain and simple.  

When life gets you down, you underwear dance!!!

Life gets hectic and stressful.  If you say it doesn't, you are a liar.  And everyone has their own way of dealing with the hecticness and stressfulness.  Some people drink.  Some people do drugs.  Some people run.  Some people workout.  

Me, I underwear dance.  

There is nothing more freeing than shedding some of your clothes, get into the comfy underwear and tank top and just dance to your heart's content.  No one is there to judge you for how you look or the music you are listening to or the fact that you are underwear dancing.  It is a total selfish and wonderful act.  And something that everybody should do.  

I think the nudists are onto something about shedding the clothes.  When I get home, the first thing I do is get out of my work clothes.  It is like shedding the day away and getting into something that is comfier, more me and just happier.  It is a simple act that makes me forget about work and allows me to focus on what I have to get done for that night.  And do it in comfy clothes.  However, I am not sure if dancing nude versus dancing in your underwear will be different.  To me, that is a huge difference.  You gotta go with your comfort level.  

You can underwear dance for many reasons.  The list is endless really but here are my reasons as to why I underwear dance:

• crappy day at work
• some boy doesn't text back 
• feel like the world is crashing around me
• life just sucks 

It doesn't really matter why.  Hell, you can even do it when you are in a good mood.  It doesn't much matter.  Why?  Cause this is for you.  And only you.  Unless you decide to share this moment with somebody, then it can be two fools dancing around in your underwear.  Cause I will warn you now, when you dance around in your underwear, feeling free and unhindered by life's troubles, you will dance however you want to.  And that could mean looking like a fool.  But a free fool.  Which is the best fool there is out there.  

I don't think there have been any empirical studies done on the effects of underwear dancing on one's mood but I can tell you from personal experience, it helps tremendously.  I always feel better after underwear dancing.  It just makes things happier.  

The music can make a difference as to what/why you are dancing.  Here is a list of some of my favorite songs to underwear dance to:

• Hate My Life by Theory of a Deadman
• She is Beautiful by Andrew W.K. 
• Footloose by Kenny Loggins
• Dog Days are Over by Glee Cast 
• Try by Pink 
• Papa was a Rolling Stone by the Temptations
• Edge of Seventeen by Stevie Nicks 
• Animal by Neon Trees
• I'm Only Joking by Kongos 
• Stolen Dance by Milky Chance 

and many many more.  The list is endless.  It is whatever the music is speaking to you at that moment.  Or why you are underwear dancing.  Dancing (and singing at the top of your lungs to) Hate my Life by Theory of a Deadman is the best form of underwear dancing there is.  Just don't sing at the top of your lungs if you have upstairs neighbors or roommates.  They may not appreciate or understand what you are doing.  

Dancing is a wonderful form of therapy.  When I worked at the jail, on some of the days we got done the actual 'therapy' part of the music and art group, I would put on a song and we would just dance to is and the guys loved it.  It was a moment for them to forget they were in jail and just enjoy being in the moment.  And I loved it because they were happy.  And that is what dancing is - a form of happiness.  And legit happiness.  And doesn't cost that much.  Or require that much.  So everyone should do it.  Everyone.  

Moral of this blog:  F*#k It and underwear dance as much as you want.  It doesn't hurt anybody and it is a fuckload of fun.  And therapeutic.  

To all the assholes, douches and toxic people, I say 'good day to you!'

There is 7.3 billion people on earth.  I know this because I googled and Google never lies.  That is a lot of people.  That means there is roughly 3.65 billion men in the world.  Now, for argument sake, lets say 4/10 guys are actually nice.  And not knowing math, that would be 2.9 billion men are assholes.  That is a lot of assholes. 

I am talking about those people in your life that a) you have no clue why they are in your life; b) you seem to feel bad or frustrated or less than what you should feel after talking to them; c)they only talk to you when they have an issue or problem and d) you have thought to yourself more than once 'why exactly am I friends with this person?'  

I seem to have those people in my life and I try to not be in contact with them.  And it seems like it happens more and more, especially when they think they are happening.  As my mother has said before 'the road to hell is paved with good intentions'.  Well, that road must be paved in gold with all the good intentions out there.  

People are awesome, don't get me wrong.  I love people.  But only when they actually take the time out to understand you, get to know you and are there for you when you need them to be and vice versa.  Moving back to the country has made me realize that I used to (used to being the key word as I have now stopped communicating with them and I feel so much better by doing so) talk with people who never really listened to me and didn't understand what I was going through or what my life consisted of.  

Prime example is this whole conundrum with my education/experience and working up in Canada as a therapist.  TRUST ME PEOPLE - if it was as simple as applying for my license and getting a job, I would be doing that right now.  You need to trust me on this.  But no.  So many people think that it is that easy.  And when I start explaining to them about my education and how my hours from the States don't transfer up and how I need to find a supervisor for the hours that I will work and how I will have to pay that supervisor for the supervised hours and all this jazz, it is like they don't believe me.  Again, TRUST ME ON THIS.  If it was simplier, I would be doing it.  But instead of actually listening to what I am saying and the frustrations I am feeling, they think it is better to just tell me to 'go ahead and do it then'.  Not that simple.  And if you were listening, you would realize that.  So I am just going to stop talking to you now.  Because you are toxic.  And I refuse to have toxic people in my life.  

Then there are those toxic people who make you feel like they are a good friend, but in truth they are a fair weather friend.  They are there when they need an ear to listen or some advice.  For example, if I am having a bad day and I text said friend, it could be four days until I get a response.  But if they are having a bad day and text me, they can expect a response from me that day.  Totally not a fair deal.  Those friends are the worst.  Because what is worse than having a bad day and not feeling like you have friends there to help and support you through them.  (And I am not saying that all my friends are like that because I totally have kick ass friends that do listen to me and I hope they feel like I listen to them as well).  So to these friends who are only there when they need help, I am just going to stop talking to you.  I am going to stop allowing you to take advantage of me.  Because you are toxic.  And I refuse to have toxic people in my life.  

Now, granted, some toxic people you just can't get rid of.  I am talking about family.  They are kind of with you throughout your life.  You can, however, distance yourselves from them.  Talk to them only when necessary.  Take those steps to protect yourself but you can't get rid of them entirely.  Well you could I guess.  People have in the past.  But personally, I could not.  Even though they could tell me extremely hurtful things (like disown me for example), they are still family.  However, in that sense, I just distance myself.  Build up my defences again, make sure I am in a position where I can be around said family members and then distance myself again.  It is about self preservation.  And not giving a shit when something happens in their life because they shouldn't expect anything from you judging on how they treated you in the past.  So, in terms of dealing with toxic people who you can't necessarily push out of your life, adopt the 'I don't give a shit' mentality.  It helps.  And works. 

By getting rid of toxic people, I have decreased the amount of people I have in my life.  Drastically.  If this was high school, I would be the loner with only a couple of friends.  And guess what, I was that person in high school.  I like quality, not quantity.  It is the same on Facebook. I will go through purges on Facebook - if we haven't posted something on each others wall, commented on a status or a picture in the past x amount of months, then I don't need to be friends with you.  Plain and simple.  I don't care if I have 100 friends or 10 friends.  Those 10 friends are much better people than the 100 combined.  And that is who you need to surround yourself with.  Because those people matter.  Those people will know you.  Will know what you are going through, will know what you want in your life, will know what to do when you need to laugh or smile and will be there with you when you need to cry.  Those people are the people you need in your life. 

Surround yourself with happiness.  Toxic people will drag you down.  They will make you feel like shit.  They will make you feel empty and alone.  And who wants that?  Nobody. Nobody wants that.  So don't get it.  Stand up for yourself and don't worry about the amount of friends you have.  Worry about the quality of friendships.  Because that is what matters.  

Moral of this blog:  F*#k It and say 'fuck you, good day, adios, arrivederci' to all those toxic people in your life.  Surround yourself with happiness. 

When the Zombie Apocalypse hits, Who Will You Be?

I have been watching a lot of The Walking Dead recently (which, if you know me, seems kind of strange and odd since I cannot stand scary movies or people dressed up but for some reason zombie movies or tv shows I am okay with).  Walking Dead is a pretty good show, even though I am not sure if it is *that good* that is has the following and fan base that it does.  However, watching the show has made me question my morals and ethics and my personality and how they would all relate if/when the zombie apocalypse hits us.  

First and foremost, I think that if I (and others) survived the zombie apocalypse, I would make a killing as a therapist because mostly everyone will have PTSD from the event.  I mean, how could you not - you are probably killing people you have known your whole life, have to be aware of what could be around every corner or tree or door or window and basically fend for yourself every waking (and sleeping, but I suggest not sleeping if you could do it) moment of your life.  That has got to take its toll on a person.  

However, after the apocalypse hits, how will that have changed people?  Would they see the world as a place that is going to hell in a handbasket? Will they be grateful of everything they have and the life that they can live?  I really don't know what I would be like.  I would like to think that I would appreciate my life, but how could I not flinch or panic if I am with a boy and he leans in to kiss me and my first instinct is to blow his head off because I think he is trying to eat me?  Lots of counselling will be needed I think.  

During the apocalypse though, what would happen?  I think I would need to get over my fear of everything and not jump or scream when I hear a noise as that for surely would attract the zombies to my location.  My first instinct would be to curl up in the fetal position but that would result in my untimely death.  So if not the fetal position, what would I do/who would I be?  Lets go through the stereotypical characters most often seen in horror movies (I pulled these characters from websites):   

• The Non-Believer - I think if I saw a rotted corpse come walking towards me, I would believe it was a zombie.  The whole 'seeing is believing' mentality would be shot out of water in an instant.  There are such things as zombies when one is trying to bite your face off.  Start believing in a heartbeat or else you will struggle through the apocalypse.  
• The couple having sex - well a) I would need to have a boy and b) it would have to be in a very, very secluded spot that has no chance of zombies encountering us.  Cause how bad would that suck to turn into a zombie and be naked.  They aren't that intelligent to be know how to put clothes on.  

• as a side note to The Walking Dead - how come there aren't any naked zombies?  Are you telling me that whenever people turned/died/whatnot, they were all wearing clothes?  I know for a fact that a lot of people sleep naked.  I find this highly improbable that there are no naked zombies.  
• The Blonde - well I am blond.  So I have that working against me.  But I would think I have more smarts than the stereotypical blond and actually have the brains to not do dumb shit when facing zombies.  Or just doing dumb shit that could have me facing zombies.  
• The Jock - I play volleyball.  But unless I am setting the ball to the zombie or throwing the ball in their face, my sports skills wouldn't come in handy.  I also hate running.  And I am pretty sure my knees and hips would give out and I would be zombie bait.  I would be the person that people want to run with so they know they would get away.  
  
• The Loner - I like to think myself as a loner but I think when it comes to the zombie apocalypse, it would be better to be in a group.  You need someone who has your back cause it would be a pretty desolate place if it is you against a hundred zombies.  Don't be stupid and find people to help you survive.  
• The Redneck - Umm....no.  Not me at all.  But definitely would hunt one down to stick with as this guy would make it through with no problems.  
• The Sexy Bitch - Umm....no.  I wouldn't be running around the world in something sexy.  My first order of business would be to find comfy pants and a tank top or something.  If I am running from zombies, it won't be done in high heels. 
• The girl that never wants to leave the house - YES!!!! That would totally be me.  Why leave if you are safe?  Besides the fact that a) I would run out of food b) I would run out of water c) I would have no electricity d) I would be all alone e) the zombies could break down my door or window to get to me and then I would be a trapped rat.  So let's rethink this idea.  

So who would I be?  A combination of the above.  But I think my psych brain would be going into overdrive getting people to try to relax and calm down and not go on murderous rampages when they feel like there is no end.  

Sometimes, and not just the zombie apocalypse, we are faced with situations where a part of us arises that we never knew we had in us.  It could be something like breaking up with your partner, moving to a different country, standing up for yourself in any situation or just pushing through a barrier that you have in front of you.  We have had practice doing these things - why should a zombie apocalypse be any different?  

Two things to consider when it comes to the zombie apocalypse:  1)  will they really know how to do the thriller dance?  Is it something that is inherently put into zombies, kind of like breathing for humans?  and 2)  I don't know if they will make the greatest shields.  A couple of times in the Walking Dead, logic has failed.  I mean, there are zombies that are basically in pieces, they have holes throughout their body but can still move.  And you can stomp on their heads and crush their skull.  Yet if someone is shooting at you, you can grab a zombie body and use it as a shield.  Really Walking Dead??!! REALLY??!!  This is not believable.  

Moral of this blog:  F*#k It and if the zombie apocalypse arrives, reach in and find that inner strength to survive.  Don't be the blond or the sexy chick.  Unless you be like Alice from Resident Evil. Cause she friggin rocks!!  Find your Inner Alice and persevere.  And do this in all aspects of your life, not just in the zombie apocalypse.